Things I've Done Since We Ended

1. Stole a bike.
2. Wore heels out.
3. Kissed a few boys.
4. Tried eggnog.
5. Changed my mind about what I want to do.
6. Got back in touch with old friends.
7. Met new people.
8. Felt comfort in someone else's arms.
9. Pulled myself back together.


I kept telling myself my world had stopped, but it never did. I tried to slow it down, but things happen whether you are ready or not. I've changed and it's for the better. Sure my walls are back up. But I'm happy with who I am. I don't miss how I use to let people walk all over me.

From here on out. I'm being more clear from the beginning about what I want. I refuse to let myself stop feeling. I'm being more open and letting things out. Because when he texted me today, my whole face lit up. And when he told me he can't wait to watch a movie when we got back, I was filled with excitement. Because for now, he makes me smile. That's enough for me. He tells me when i'm being irrational or a brat. And he always had open arms when I entered his room, eyes swollen from crying over you. He has changed me already, in the best kind of way.

Acceptance

I haven't cried since Sunday. And that probably seems like no big deal but to me recently that is a huge accomplishment. While laying in bed last night, I was thinking of him. For the first time I was longing for someone's arms, and that someone wasn't you. I'm going to be okay. I'm never going to forget you. Because so far, the best days have been with you. But that doesn't mean there won't be better days with someone else. It doesn't mean that you're the only guy who is going to make my heart leap out of my chest. Don't flatter yourself.

Looking back now, I feel like such a foolish child. I should have just cut off all ties when we ended. Because I ruined any chance of us being friends. I just keep pushing and wanting answers. But the answer was simple. You just weren't in love with me anymore. And that's a hard pill to swallow, but I acted so weak and immature, so out of character. But it's all okay now. I'm back on my feet. And when people ask about you. I don't break down or avoid it. I tell them that it's over, and that i'm okay with that, because for the first time, I really am.

I still get confused about how quickly you moved on. But it doesn't tear me apart anymore. I know you're spending new years with her, and that was supposed to be our time together. And I don't really care anymore. I honestly just want you and I to both end up happy.

Dumb Choices

I just made a huge mistake and read all the facebook messages i ever wrote to you. Honestly it crushed me to hear me so happy. What happened to that girl? Where can I go to get her back? Sometimes I wish I could hate you. But I honestly don't see that ever happening. I can't believe im still so broken. Its been two months and two days since your words broke me apart. That's all its been. And you're already out there with someone else, being happy again. How do you move on so quickly? Sure I have crushes and kiss a few boys. But how do you jump right into someone else? I guess sometimes I am just that easy to forget about.

I hope you miss me. Else what we had really wasn't real. But those messages...the way you so simply just said i love you. That was real. I know it was, I saw it. When you cried, fearing losing me, your eyes said it all. You don't love her like that do you? Would you cry if she left you?

I Want To Run Away

I like you. I know it, you know it. And I miss the nights spent in your arms now that I am home. You're the only person who makes me feel like me anymore. You make me feel alive again and put the red in my cheeks. You have no idea how much that means. Your slowly putting back together my shattered pieces. Those may not be your intentions but that is what happening. Please don't walk away like everyone else. I'm not ready for that just yet.

Dear holidays,

I hate you. While everyone is enjoying you and being happy, my family is miserable and hates each other. This place isn't home. I've never felt so alone in my life. I'm sick of not being good enough. I'm over people taking me for granted. Why can't I just honestly mean something to someone? When am I going to be worth someone's time?

Sincerely,
Mel

There was a part of her that wondered what would happen if she let them all in on the secret - that some mornings, it was hard to get out of bed & put on someone else’s smile; that she was standing on air, a fake smile who laughed at all the right jokes & whispered all the right gossip & attracted the right guy, a fake who had nearly forgotten what it felt like to be real.. & who, when you get right down to it, didn’t want to remember because it hurt more than this.

I'm pretty sure I have a sign on my forehead that says, kiss me and treat me sweet and then don't bother calling.

I make him nervous. And that makes me the happiest I have been in months. The way he brushed the hair out of my face so gently, sent shivers through my body. I wasn't expecting any of this. When he asked me to hang out, I was thrown so off guard.

I'm watching the food network today. Most of you have no idea why that seems odd. But it's the first time since October. I'm not a mess anymore. I'm okay. I'm so worried about him. He is more broken and crushed than ever. Do you know what it is like to worry that your dad is going to be spending Christmas on the streets? To be honest, I wish I hadn't been such a stupid mess when you ended it. Because for some reason, when it came to him, it was always easiest to talk to you.

I know sometimes there is nothing I can do. I can't afford to give him anymore money. I've already given him a semesters tuition. I hate how I'm working my ass off and he is laying in bed all day. I know its really hard to find a job right now, but there has to be a job somewhere.

Ughhh.

I know I'm probably wasting my time. You're not someone I should be hanging out with. You're reckless and so careless. But thats what pulls me in. You're everything I should stay away from. But i like time spent with you, and when you're not around, I wish you were. I've heard all the warnings. Everyone's always so worried about me, and always trying to stop me from making my own decisions.

Its Okay.

I don't hate you. Someone said something to me, that made it all make a lot more sense. She told me that I've been on your end before and I've done the same thing to others. And she was right. I know how it is to care about someone but know that you're better off without them. So no, I don't hate you. But we're still never going to be friends. I'm finally okay from our break up. Everyone is starting to see me become myself again.

I refuse to let myself become insecure. I'm a great girl. I'm nice and caring, and I'm fun to be around. I shouldn't doubt that. No one else should have any control over how I feel about myself. I'm worth taking a risk for. One day, the right guy, is going to know that.

You didn't deserve to be questioned the way I did it. I'm no longer you're girlfriend, I have no rights. And I really am sorry. I know your not a bad guy, you are a great guy, just not a great guy for me. So honestly, good luck in everything that you do. Please stay safe. Maybe years down the road from now, we'll somehow reconnect and be friends again, but that just seems like a different lifetime. Dream big and don't lose the ambition you have, I've always envied that trait. This is goodbye.

I'm okay. I'm not the mess everyone expects me to be. I hate how you continued to try and say you cared. And tried to tell me to take care of myself. You don't care. Stop faking it. I don't need your pity. And you are right, i'll never look at you the same, and I can't say I'll ever respect you again either.

But i'm smiling today. The sun has peaked out a few times. I refuse to let your actions impact the person I become. I'm use to let downs, so you're nothing special. You just caught me a little off guard. But my walls are back up and are higher than ever.

I didn't run to him for comfort like I use to when the nights were hard without you. But instead I told him finally that I like him. And that I didn't want anything said in return. I just needed him to know. Because it doesn't hurt when I think about him. He actually makes me happy. And sure, he is kind of an asshole, but i still think he is better than you.

I just am in shock. Everything you said about it being hard was just bullshit. You could have been honest you know. You could have just told me you lost feelings. I would have preferred the truth. I'm pretty sure I deserved it. I did everything I could to make you happy, and all along, you deceived me. Don't ever say you worried about me again.

I hope things with her are easier. I hope its not too hard for you.

I remember the last time I saw you. As you walked to your car, I did everything I could to hold back the tears. And I did. From here on out, I'm going to be that strong. And the moment you left, there was no I love you spoken. Why were we always holding back those words? I need to stop doing that so much. And so do you. We held each other back. We were both so hesitant to feel anything. I wanted more than anything to let you in. But you never pushed to know more. You never asked me. But I never asked you either. I was always on eggshells when it came to emotions. I was so afraid to show you I needed you, and at the time, I really did need you. But I don't anymore.

I'm going to be okay. My heart is going to heal before I know it. He held my hand the other night. And played with my fingers as we woke up. He doesn't make me any promises. There is no expectations or anything like that. I like time spent with him. Its effortless and he makes me feel real again. And when he's gone, i miss hanging out with him. I was taking him for granted for a few weeks now. But I should have been giving more. Because when someone starts to jumpstart your heart again, you can't let them walk away. I need to stop wanting what I use to have. I'm never going to be with him again. So I need to be more welcoming to whats in front of me. I can't play games just because I'm not exactly ready. Maybe this is what I need.

Go ahead and tell me one more time. Tell me I'm gorgeous and every guy that walks in the room wants me. Tell me I have a killer personality and can get whatever I want. I'm so sick of hearing of all it. Guys do want to get into my pants. And sure some guys may like me. But stop trying to make me feel like that should make me feel better. I'm not shallow. That's not what I want. I have never been the girl to want all eyes on me. I wanted him. End of story. And I didn't want him just cause I couldn't have him. I wanted him because every time I heard his voice, it felt as though a blanket slowly covered my shoulders. And when he walked into a room, not only did I smile, but I couldn't help but squeeze my fingers with excitement. Every small move caused me to fall over my feet.

But he's been crushed before and it wasn't from me. He still worries that I don't wear a coat, but that kind of says it all. He doesn't love me. He worries, because he' a nice guy. But I should have known all along that he didn't love me. He said it one drunk night in bed. It didn't mean anything. I never meant anything to the one person who meant everything to me.

You don't deserve this. I never should have let you in. From the beginning you kept me at such a distance. You refused to ever let me in. I gave you everything I had. All you could give me was a comforting place. Which was great and I needed it. But I need someone who isn't afraid to tell me how they feel. Someone who challenges me to actually feel something. You always so easily put your emotions aside. And that use to be how I was, but I refuse to do that anymore.

You don't want me. And that honestly is the most pain I have ever felt. I'm not what your looking for. I'm not what you need. Nothing about me, makes you want to hold on.

I hope when you hear my name, it hurts like hell. And that when you speak it, it leaves a sour taste in your mouth. Because you need to know, that you crushed me. And I'll never be who I was with you. No one will ever experience me as you did. So be thankful. And while your at it, let yourself feel something, anything. Feel crushed, even if only for a moment. Because you can't tell me that what we had wasn't amazing. You can't convince me that what we had was typical.

I'm going to be okay. Fine is hiding behind a close corner...I hope.

Better Off

I am better off, just like everyone kept saying. Of course you cared for me, but not as much as I cared for you. And that's no ones fault. It's one of those things that just happens. So from here on out, I'm pulling myself back together. On days when I feel like losing it all, i'll just think of the times you let me down. The times you didn't call and I had to call you. The week I waited for any word from you, and the whole time you had your phone. I deserve someone better than that. And you deserve someone who you can't imagine going days without talking to. But i'm done wishing the best for you. I need to start wanting the best for myself.

This Christmas Party Sucks

The holidays are creeping up. My heart is more broken then ever. I dread the Holidays, they always hurt these days. My last Christmas I spent the whole day crying and talking to you. People always leave. My family is a joke. I can't hold it together anymore. It was never my job to fix things. I'm pushing everyone out of reach. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to be close to anyone. The people you depend on, always let you down. We can't be friends. You can't be part of my life. Because the only way I want you there is if we're together. And I'm the only one who wants that. So goodbye. I hope your life is everything you want. I know you'll be just fine. As you said you've been crushed before. This was no obstacle for you. That clarifies everything. I'm finally letting go. This meant more to me then it ever meant to you. I'm always the naive girl, always too trusting.

I'm going back to being careless, it was all so much easier without feelings.

Weakdays

I didn't sleep last night. I didn't find any comfort. Tonight will be another sleepless night. I know it's over. I finally felt it today. I can tell that you're moving on, you're letting go. I've never been so crushed. Moving on should be right around the corner, but I can't seem to find the right turn. How do I do this? How do I push all of our memories out of reach? Everyone was on eggshells around me today.

I just need to let this out. I wanted to spend forever with you. I've never even wanted to spend a year with anyone else. You're the only person who captivated me like that. The only person who made me feel like I could do anything. It was like you gave me these wings that I never knew I could have. And now they are gone, and I'm completely broken.

But I won't stay broken, I can't. I'm not this girl. In a few months, i'll be okay. I'll smile again. But I'll never put myself out there like that. My walls are higher than ever. My expectations don't even come off of the ground.

I might be able to sleep tonight.

I know I promised I wouldn't but I lied.

Dear Old Man,

I hope your birthday is everything you want it to be. I want to be the first person to tell you happy birthday, but it's not really my place at all. You really are an amazing person. You're a great friend and you really know how to bring happiness to others. I hope you're doing well. I'm sure you are, you're always the tough, strong guy. I just hope you are truly happy. And I wish the best for you, and success in everything that you do. Always,
Little Mel.

I'm Left With Nothing

I tried to convince myself I'd never admit to missing you. I tried to tell myself that I was so much better off and could find someone who actually wanted me to stick around. But I'm kind of over feeling anything for anyone.

I spend my days trying my best to tell myself that one day i'll stop loving you. That one day it won't all hurt so much and I can stop pretending. I'm so sick of everyone around me. They don't understand why I don't want to kiss some other guy goodnight. My body is falling apart on me. I literally can not breath without being in pain. Everyone is always saying they won't leave. I don't know why I trusted you when you said all those things to me. I don't know why I ever let my walls down for you. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep when I'm all alone. I've tried to meet other guys. I even went on a date. But he just isn't you. And when he kissed the top of my head, I didn't feel safe or cared for. I felt empty. I'm always feeling empty.

I love you and I'm falling apart. You don't even give a shit. I can't stop feeling so alone.

I'm Just Faking

I still can't believe your gone and left me. I can hear your voice in my head. You tell me to keep my head up and smile. You tell me that I can't change anything and that a lot of time, have no control. I hate how you never leave me. You're gone but I can't get rid of you. I remember feeling wrapped up in those arms. My days spent with you, were the best days I've ever had. I wish you understood how much you mean to me. You really mean everything. I rest my head on the couch and think back to all the times my head was rested on you. Those drives in your car where I would almost fall asleep on your shoulder, listening to the Beatles. You could have had me forever; I wish you would have.

Are You There?

I got out of bed today and brushed my teeth before thinking of you. It was the best morning I've had in a while. I know I'll never stop caring about you. I'm finally starting to care about myself. This boy, he is so sweet. He actually likes me, and wants to know everything about me. And I can't help but smile when he is around. I finally have realized, your never coming back. And I can be okay without you. I may not ever be who I was with you, but maybe thats for the better. I had all these big dreams, that were so out of reach and unattainable. You made me think that anything is possible. I was so optimistic. But I need to be more realistic. Somethings are just impossible. And somethings are just never going to work. People always end up leaving, after promising that they won't.

The only people you can depend on, are yourself and your best friends. And sometimes even they fall short. We're all fighting our own battles. We all have issues that hold us down. The only thing we can really do is support each other.

Anxious

I told you that we shouldn't talk anymore. I told you that it breaks my heart to know you still care. I got no response. For some reason that wasn't what I expected. I wanted you to just say that you understood. I wanted you to say that it made sense to you why I'm doing this. All day I was anxious for a response, but none came. So from here on out, its goodbye. It's I hope your happy, and I hope eventually we can be friends.

Its Over.

I still haven't deleted your text messages. I know it's time. I need to start moving on. And I thought I was doing so well. I've been lighting up all week because some boy has been truly interested in getting to know me. And then you had to say that one little thing last night. You had to prove to me that you care. You can stop that now. I don't care if you worry about me and still think about me. You are the one who called things off. You are the one who left, okay? So you don't get to be the one who worries and shows it. If you worried enough, we would still be together. But we're not, and that's finally okay with me. I'm finally smiling again. The tears have stopped coming on a regular basis. I'm still in love with you. But I'm not going to sit here wishing that you will want me back. I never use to be that girl. You were the first guy who had me so wrapped up in him that I fell apart to you. I'm usually so much stronger than that. So here it goes. You let me go, and if it was so hard, you shouldn't have done it. But you did. And that means you need to understand that when you let me go, you let go the right to tell me to wear a winter coat. You let go the right to tell me to sleep and drink fluids and take care of myself. You have no say in what I do.

I Am Thankful For...

A: A Knox

B: Boys

C: Cuddling

D: Dogs

E: Eventful Nights

F: Family

G: Glittery Nailpolish

H: Home

I: Icicles

J: Jagerbombs

K: Kindergarten

L: Lauren

M: Mom

N: New Beginnings

O: One Tree Hill

P: Pizza

Q: Questions

R: Roomies

S: Sister

T: Time cards, that means payday

U: Ultra cool friends

V: Vacations

W: Wild Nights

Y: Years to look forward to

X: The X

Z: Zoos

I refuse to let "i miss him" ever leave my mouth again. I can do this. I don't need him to feel like I am worth something. If anyone takes the time to get to know me, they will see it for themselves. I'm not a hopeless romantic. I don't believe that somewhere down the road we are going to end up together. I'm not naive. You left me once, what makes me think you would never do it again. So from here on out, i'm going to start living again. Last night someone told me that the world goes on whether your ready or not. I'm not going to sit on the sidelines waiting to stop being so broken. I'm going to pull the pieces of me back together, those pieces that you ripped apart. And I am going to move on from you. Someone out there is going to love me more than you ever allowed yourself. Someone out there is going to care about me with no limitations.

A Million Little Stars Spelling Out Your Name

I had this false hope that you could never actually leave me. That you cared more than that. It is better that I found the truth out now rather than later. I know this is just something you never asked for and never wanted. Eventually there is going to be someone who you could never imagine leaving. I won't be broken forever, but I'll carry you with me everywhere I go. Next time a boy kisses me goodnight, i'll assume the worst. And that, well thats mostly your fault. You were the first guy who didn't rush to try and get in my pants. You took your time with me, even in letting me down. I want to be friends with you, but I think I just need to cut you out of my life. I need to figure out how to let go. I spend all my time thinking of the amazing memories we made. It is finally all real for me. I spent the night in a hospital bed just wanting you. But I can't spend my time wanting what we use to have. Thats gone, it was beautiful and amazing but it is so far out of reach. I met this boy the other night who made me laugh. And that was the first time i've truly laughed and meant it since you left me all alone. For a minute I thought maybe I am going to be okay. Maybe eventually I'll pull myself back together. But i doubt it.

In Every Little Peice Love

Today I realized maybe you are happy. And that I really do hope you are. That is all I want for you. Your absolutely beautiful and if I can't have you, I hope someone else gets as much pleasure from being with you as I use to.

It is getting easier for you.

It is getting harder for me.

I Need to Stop Finding All These In My Notebooks

Hearing your voice comforts me in ways others could never understand. When your gone you are constantly on my mind. Everything seems to relate to you. You have made a great impact on me. Your scent no longer lingers in my room. You're gone again. The weekend you spent here seems unreal. Its like it is all a dream that took place weeks ago. For some reason I believe in us. I believe in you. Please don't be afraid to hurt me. Don't run away from this. I think you know that what we have is different. It is not like anything either one of us has felt before.

I keep trying to tell myself that time apart won't break us. I've been falling apart for weeks but no one seems to notice. I miss your arms wrapping around me and heating me to the bones. The cold seems to devour me and stay with me for days at a time. I wish I was strong enough to rid myself of all the worries that weigh me down.

It has been two weeks since we began to fall apart. I'm missing everything about you. You signed onto skype last night and I wanted to grab my webcam and talk to you. I just wanted to talk. I wanted to tell you how I thought of your sister all day yesterday. I wanted to tell you that us breaking up is a mistake. And one day your really going to miss me and regret letting me go. What we had was as real as it gets. One day I hope you put your heart before your head.

How are you doing? Did I mess up how well you were moving on? I miss you every single minute of everyday. But I'm holding it together. I force myself to smile everyday. You always told me I looked better with a smile. I know that one day this will all get easier. I can't wait until your name doesn't rip me apart inside. I hope you are doing better than I am. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. Since its veterans day, I keep seeing things about the military everywhere. Constantly I imagine your dressed in all your camouflage gear.... It's early and I'm still in bed as I hear you shuffling around. I roll over to look at you and you kiss my forehead. Then you sit on the bed and begin to put on your boots. I watch you until your ready to leave. you pull the blanket back over me and leave without a sound. There is nothing out of the ordinary about this. It is the typical morning, with you calling on your way back to pick me up for class. As i get out of the car I automatically begin to look forward to seeing you again... Do you remember all those nights we use to spend together? I think that is what I miss the most. But i have been missing that for months and months now. Those nights spent in your arms are what made me fall in love with you.

The cold air sweeps right through my jacket. Yes I'm actually wearing a jacket. I've been on my own for the last few days. I'm pulling myself away from anyone who cares about me. Everyone here is so disappointed with me. I let them all down. I wasn't strong enough. I went back on my words. I'm sorry that I just don't know how to deal with losing him.

You looked really happy in those pictures. I'm really sorry if I made your night shitty. I just want you to be happy. If you're happy, i'll just suck it up and be glad that you're doing okay.

I Finally Let It All Out

And was honest with myself. I keep trying to find warmth in all the wrong places. I'm just searching for someone who will stick around. But thats just unrealistic. Men never stick around. At least I have best friends who hold me together when I begin to fall apart. Who carry me home at the end of the night not caring about the stupid decisions I made that night. I honestly don't know what I would do without them by my side.

In the Middle of the Night

I was with all your boys last night. They were telling me how beautiful and amazing I am. Then they asked my most dreaded question "So how are you doing." And when I replied, "Pretty well actually." Then it came again "Come on Mel, how are you really doing?" The worst part is, they are genuinely concerned. They ask my friends about me, and how I look so okay, and hold myself together. It doesn't mean I stopped loving you, I can't really imagine that day ever coming. I keep hoping that eventually someone can make me as happy as you once did. Maybe there is someone who can light up my whole world like you use to. But when it comes down to it, I don't really want them. I really want you to just be happy, whether or not that has anything to do with me. I'm always the one running away and breaking my own heart. But we were different, even when I was scared, I couldn't run from you. But you ran, and honestly I think it's because part of you is really scared. Scared that we were too serious and that the distance would emotionally tear us apart. And if you are scared, you're not ready for this. You're not ready for someone to love you with all that they have. Maybe one day you'll realize you should have let it go, and saw what happened and how it all worked out. Or maybe you'll just keep telling yourself it was for the best. I'm not bitter, it is important that you know that. I'll be fine, I always am. You're not the first person to let me down, and I know you won't be the last.

I Can Honestly Say

It was all worth it. The time spent with you was worth the pain I feel right now. You made me happy for so long. I felt invincible with you by my side. I'm still struggling to get by without you, but I don't ever doubt that you loved me with all you had. And I loved you just the same. We really set each other on fire. And that fire kept me warm for a long time. As the the cold air rushes in, it consumes me. But the winter never lasts forever. It isn't always going to be so cold inside of me. Someone else will warm me up when the time is right. But part of me will always be yours. If I could, I would go back to the days spent at your place, with your arms wrapped around me. But I can't dwell on the past, because it is over, and you've diminished the idea of us ever getting back together. So I wish the best for you. You deserve to be happy and get everything you could ever ask for. I hope we can be friends in the near future. I think we really balanced each other out well. You always kept me in line, as i made you cross other lines. You forced me to grow and realize the severity of love. And how intense and beautiful it really is. No one has ever made me feel so safe. But I also learned that everyone really does eventually leave. Its not always someones fault. Some things just fall apart and there is nothing you can do about it.

Hold your head high. You have so much to be proud of. Keep dreaming and reaching for those dreams because if anyone can reach them, it's you. Smile and laugh because that smile could knock so many people off of their feet. Cheer people up, you always know how to do that. Don't always put others before you. Sometimes you need to come first. Fall in love when the time is right. And make sure she is just as amazing as you are. Because anyone would be lucky to have you.

I know how it feels to hear something funny & not laugh & to have all the love in the world yet feel so alone. I know how it feels to have nowhere to go for comfort...& the people who should comfort you the most are the ones who you can't see; how it feels to act so much that you can barely tell where the real you begins & the fake you ends. To look in the mirror & not be able to fathom how anyone could ever love you. When you can’t love yourself, I know how it feels. I know what it’s like to have nowhere to go to escape yourself.

Stop Myself

I want to call you and tell you that I miss you. And I love every little thing about you. From the way you call me kiddo to way you heat me up like no one else does. I just want you. But I can't have you, you don't want me.

This Time is The Last Time

So I let go of you. I deleted your phone number. We are never going to be what we were. You have given up any hope of us so I'm forcing myself to do the same. I refuse to live in the past and keep my fingers crossed that you will actually want me back. I am never going to be good enough for you. No matter how amazing I treat you, the army will always be your first priority. I use to dream about marrying you. Settling down and investing everything I had in us. But you wouldn't deserve that. Your so set on trying to do the right thing that you miss what is right in front of you. That was love. It was passionate and beautiful and it didn't have to be gone. But it scared you, and it made sense to want out. At first I felt relived. Like maybe you were doing me a favor. Because I am always running from my feelings. And this was the perfect excuse. But I stopped running when it came to you. Nothing you did or said could scare me enough, because I felt safe with you. I felt everything with you.

I hate that you see this all so simple. It was too hard. I was willing to do anything to make this work, even if it meant seeing you for two days every four or five months. I was happy to spend my nights far from you thinking of you, knowing that you were thinking of me too. "We're both just at really different spots in our life." I know that, I get it all. I am not going to let this crush me. I'm not going to be the girl who spends her nights wrapped up in his sweatshirt crying until the tears no longer come. I'm perfectly capable of holding it together, smiling, and slowly trying to remember what it is like to be cared for. Other lips will touch mine, and maybe one day, I won't think of you every time.

Without a Trace

I was going to erase your voice mails and text messages, but i'm not ready for that. I was going to remove your phone number so that texting you was no longer an option. But I don't want to get any further from you than I already am. When the night comes to a close, it is your arms I am craving. You know all this already. No one else really has a clue. I hold it all together surprisingly well.

Vanilla Twilight

Now when i think of you, i feel even more alone. I can't even breathe without thinking of you. I hate this more than anything. I spent the weekend trying my best to hold it together. But it always comes back to the same empty feelings. I always miss you and want you and want us. And your always staying strong and getting by without me. When am I going to be the girl that someone can't leave behind?

Friday night...alone.

I keep smiling and telling everyone i'm doing just fine. They all believe me and smile, and say its for the best. But I don't believe that for a second. He held me trying to comfort me. He is the only one who sees how hurt I am. And everytime his fingertips touch my arms, I want to break down and cry. But I force myself to hold it together. "You're not that girl mel, you are not that girl. hold it together." Everyone is telling me to go out and kiss boys and be single and have fun, but I had plently of fun being your girl. You are ever thing I could ever want. I can't imagine meeting someone who even compares to you. I can't imagine kissing someone else. They're lips aren't going to send shivers through my body like yours do. Nothing about them is going to make me feel safe and cared for.

"I meant everything i ever said to you"

I know you did. Well I hope you did. I'm out of things to say to you. Because you probably are making the best decision for right now. But I hate the idea of right and wrong decisions. I'm always the girl following my head instead of my heart and I changed for you. I let you in. As I go through my phone and read saved texts from you I try my best not to feel like a fool. "Dont worry babe. Even though i'm across the country, I didn't leave." But this time you did. I can't lean on you and share it all with you anymore. You need to understand that I'm on my own now. I know you care, but you need to learn how to stop me from seeing that. As much as i feel broken and down, part of me still believes in you. Part of me is dying to hear you say that you don't want anyone else and you don't care how hard this is. That your willing to say fuck the odds and invest yourself in something that is irrational. But you so easily push aside your feelings. Your always trying to do whats best.

Dear...well you know who.

I've been doing my best to try and not think about everything. But everything is tied to you. All my notebooks are filled with you. I opened my bio notebook to read "You hold my whole heart, i can't imagine ever giving it to anyone else." I'm not trying to tell you this to hurt you. I'd never want that. But I'm trying to figure out how. How am i going to let go? How am I going to stop feeling everything for only you? I refuse to cry anymore. My eyes ran out of tears days ago. How is this fair? You've known all along that we wouldn't last. I was too naive to believe you. I thought that somehow we could do it. That you wouldn't be able to just end it. I thought we could make it through anything. I can be such a stupid girl sometimes. Thinking that you were the one for me, and that I could spend forever in your arms. I keep replaying one moment over and over again in my head. The weekend when you came to visit when you said "you're my everything." I guess I thought that meant a lot more than it actually did.

Its just hard

I never imagined those words. I'm so nieve.

I'd like to make myself believe

I'm trying really hard to just let it go and let it slide by. But i'm not that kind of girl. I never want to be. I'm dying to feel needed or wanted or missed. I want to hear anything that leads me to believe that I mean something to you.

I can't sleep cause your all that is on my mind, and i'm not on yours.

My Baby Don't Mess Around

I'm anxious and I'm nervous and I finally let it out today. I needed someone else to know how stressed I am about all this. I know I am probably worrying for no reason. I've had this happen before and it always turns out okay, but recently something feels different. Maybe thats what scares me even more....

Chills Me To The Ground

My feet are freezing off of my body. This week seems to never come to an end. The days drag on and on. I can't find it in me to sleep through the night. Everyday has the same struggles so I don't know why they keep getting more painful. I can't get out of this crappy mood, and no one even notices.

Its the 6 most important letters.

You always use to save me from these sucky days. Everything falls apart in front of me. You use to hold me until I was strong enough to pick up the pieces, but now i'm here to do it all myself. And I can't find the courage in me to fix it this time. It isn't my mess to fix, it never is. But someone has to do it.

Everything, everything

We made plans. I don't think I can say we have ever done that before. We're spending New Years together, and I can not wait. You didn't hesitate to make real plans and you always hesitate. Maybe you are beginning to see what I see. We have something really good here and it isn't changing anytime soon. Your finally believing in us and that means everything to me.

I Know

Every time i see you I love you a little bit more. I didn't even think that it was possible to care so strongly for someone. Your saying some goodbyes while I sit waiting for it to be my turn. I can't explain to you how happy seeing you made me. I know the next few weeks will be full of tears because two days every five months is never going to be enough time. But I could never give up what we have just because its hard. The other night when you told me I'm you everything, I believed you. And I can't remember the last time I really believed in anyone. Being in your arms the last two nights has erased all my fears about us. You are everything I could ever want.

When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?

The Silence isn't so bad,

Till i look at my hands and feel sad.
Causes the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly

Hopes as High as Mountains

I'm afraid that I'm letting myself get my hopes up. What if you change your mind or can't make it here? Being at school makes me miss you more than ever. It was so strange to see all the army boys sitting at a table without you. Everyone asks how your doing, how were doing, and how i'm doing. They say they're glad were together and talk about you. It is nice to know that a lot of other people see what I see in you. So many people admire you and adore you.

Change

Recently I would like to change everything about myself. I use to be so comfortable in my own skin, now I just feel like i'm never enough no matter how hard I try.

Home is where...

Your calling again. The effort is being put back into us and that makes me happier than you could imagine. I refuse to give up on you and us. I know your independent and make your own decisions and thats something that I love about you. But you have to let me in sometimes. I love that you care so much about me. But you have to let me care about you.

Morning, Noon & Night

My head it constantly filled with thoughts of you. My temper seems to be short, and every little thing you do aggrevates me. I guess I just miss you and I don't know how to deal with it. I know you care about me. I try and remind myself that everyday, since you seem to be too tough to tell me yourself. Just incase you were wondering, it is okay for guys to have feelings. It is okay to miss me and make it seem like you want to be with me. That would be more than okay for me.

Nice Try

Just admit it. The only person you think about is yourself.

A Beautiful Mess?

I'm a wreck and I can't explain it to anyone. This place is anything but comforting. I'm always disappointing someone, and someone is always disappointing me. I need you so much right now. But your out of reach. Even the phone calls are slowly disappearing. It's going to be like this for a long time, and it is only going to get worse. How am I going to be able to hang on?

Current Greatest Fear

Is growing up to be anything like either one of my parents.
But isn't that who everyone becomes?
FAIL.

Sweet Summertime

The sun is finally beginning to peak out from behind the clouds on a daily basis. The summer has finally decided to come and everyone around me seems to be nothing but down. I hate seeing my friends so battered and bruised. I know times get tough but that is when we really need each other. We can't be so caught up on guys and trying to impress them. We need to stop getting our hopes up on the people who continue to let us down. We need each other.

Just A Book

How do I go to the library and pick out a romance novel that makes me cry more than anything? How do i pick out the only book where the people are a plane ride apart, and where their love can't possibly make it. "You have your life there." I kept reading the part where they ended it over and over again. There was never once doubt about their feelings for one another. They both just had different lives. I'm sick of hearing about why I should move on. I'm sick of people constantly not believing in me. I don't care what the odds are, I'm not going to give up. So no I don't need to go back on the pill. You don't need to worry if boys are staying in my hotel room. You don't have to tell me about all the other boys out there. You don't have to tell me I deserve better. You don't have to tell me not to settle. I'm not settling, I wish some of you would just understand that.

Need You

Your out of reach. I'm trying my best to just be happy. I mean I am so lucky to have met you and fallen for you. But this is anything but easy. Recently it seems to pull me apart more then it holds me together. I know your worth all this. I can't imagine ever holding another's hands. When are the every other day phone calls going to make me feel better? With you so far away, I feel so alone. The nightmares that keep me up aren't going away. You hardly know about them, because you don't have the time. I'm too weak to tell you that I wake up crying and terrified that your going to leave just like everyone has done in the past. I'm still afraid to show you that I need you. Because I do, I need you every day, every minute.

I cry a little more everyday.

Day 37

Summer is here, you're so far away. All my thoughts consist of you and my dreams revolve around you. I miss every single thing about you. And each day it only seems to get harder. I knew from the begining that "we" would never be easy. I thought that I was wasting my time on a guy who would just leave. But your not going anywhere and you have made that very clear. I fall apart on a daily basis without you. The words you say help to pull me back together and get me through the night. You are the one person who can cheer me up by just saying "hi." A litttle over a month down...9 more to go?

Everyday

A Lot In Common

I said we had a lot in common and you said you were "damn glad." Then i said it works, and you agreed that you "wouldn't have it any other way." The past few days I have been missing you like crazy. You have gone out of your way to let me know how your doing and check up on me. Every word seems to be the right one. Thanks for listening to me complain, when things are probably much rougher for you right now. You told me I was strong today, and that means more than you will ever know. The past few days have told me that we can get through anything. I know we can. I'm not giving up on you babe. I never could.

Doesn't Matter How Small

I made you promise not to forget me, and you said "Oh please. Just cause your small doesn't mean I'll forget." It made me feel a lot better. I just needed you to know what has been on my mind. I need to start telling you how I feel. Opening up should come easy at this point. We have been in this mess too long, to act like I don't care. Everything I have is invested in you. Recently I've needed you more than you could ever understand. I need to tell you that. I need to tell you that I cry every day, missing you, and hoping that this is somehow all just a bad dream. Your so happy and excited about what your starting. Your dreams scare me to death but make me so proud at the same time. Your one of the strongest people I know. Your dedication knocks me off my feet. When you want something, you never stop going for it. You have passion that drives me wild. I should stop being so scared of losing you. If you didn't want me around, you would have told me that by now.

Got The Call When I Was Younger

It all just kind of hurts more than I can handle anymore. The nights seem like years without you next to me. Sleep is even further out of reach than it has ever been. I just need to hear that you miss me and that you care. I'm dying to hear you say that your not going to forget all about me.

Could we go back?

I really just wish i could know what your thinking. Sometimes i just want to feel like you need me around.

A Week Can Change Your Life

I've felt more emotions in the past week than I have felt in years. I screamed and cried and fell apart. All because I'm so afraid of losing the person who has captivated me more than anyone else. The words he spoke last weekend shattered me and then glued me back together. I understand that us staying together is going to be a struggle. But I can't imagine putting my hand in anyone else's. You told me "I meant everything i ever said to you, and the only thing i regret is that I didn't get to meet you sooner." I don't think I'll ever be ever to forget that moment.I quiver thinking that we won't work out.

Saying goodbye, I tried my best to hold back the tears. But they came, and once they started they weren't stopping. You gave me your dogtag. And I have been gripping onto it ever since. It makes me feel a little closer to you. Like you are right there next to me, wearing it. I want you to know that your heart is safe with me, I would never do anything to hurt you.

I know that it is only going to get harder, and i'm still unsure how that is possible. I have loved every moment ever spent with you. And no one could have or will ever make me as happy as you do. Don't feel bad for me or say that this isn't fair to me. I'm not going anywhere. I could never leave those arms that are like my home.

You Belong With Me

I'm not sure of anything, except for that my whole heart is in your hands.  I can't imagine it ever being any where else.

Scream My Lungs Out and Try to Get to You

I've been falling apart for days. Behind every closed door I find tears filling my eyes. I really do want you to be happy. I'm sorry if I have made you feel otherwise.

Every Notebook is Filled With You

You looked at me in a way you haven't ever before. Everything you do melts me. I've been hooked since day one. You capitvate me like no one has before.

I think about you leaving a lot. I can't help it. I worry about us. And I wonder what will happen once you graduate. But mostly I worry about you. I just want you to be happy where ever you end up.

The way you act recently says it all. You want me around. You enjoy every minute spent with me. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. You make me feel like i'm beautiful. The way you hold my hand makes me melt. The kisses on my cheeks and neck always bring a smile to my face. You are my everything.

47 days left until my heart breaks into 20 million pieces.

You've kissed me so many times that I know exactly the way your lips move, and the exact place your hands fall when on my hips. But somehow every day seems new with you. Being with you could never get old. When you leave, I'll be lost without you. Not to be dramatic, but my life has involved you for over seven months now. Your arms are always holding me together.

No Regrets

I've been a mess the last few days. And I can honestly say I would probably be in bed crying right now if you hadn't been around saving me. I loved seeing you protect me and worry about me. The way you held me this afternoon said it all. You said you never want to spend a week without seeing me, that you don't even want to spend a day. It is becoming clear to me now. How serious this could all end up. I can't picture my life without you in it. I never want to sleep without you next to me.

Weakdays

Its Thursday at work. I've been thinking a lot about us and you leaving. My eyes fill up with tears when I realize that our weeks are running really short. We have two more weekends to ourselves. Most of that time, you'll be busy, doing senior stuff. I'm afraid that your going to want to end this before you leave. I'm so scared that your going to be easily able to leave me behind, just like everyone else has in the past. I know your feelings are sincere and i love the little things you do. I wish you didn't have to leave.

Four weeks.

From today, you leave. Your going to a whole new world, 2845 miles away. I thought that I wouldn't be strong enough to continue this, but your what I want. Your the only thing that has made me happy in months. I don't want to lose the way you look at me and the way you make my knees weak. I've been really short tempered recently because I know how time is running short. My freshman year could not have been better. You have made this the most amazing year of my life. With all of the struggles and hard times, being with you has made me able to smile more often....

Family.

   How come our holidays cant ever be happy? I get that your disappointed.  Everything i do seems to be a mistake. Sorry I can't please everyone. Your both tearing me apart.

In the summer I sleep with only a sheet and it has to be tucked in.

"Well we won't have an issue with that I guess...since I won't see you this summer."

I can't explain how hard it was to hold back the tears. What is going to happen to us?  Emotionally I can't afford to lose you.

Your leaving...

You going away comes up a lot recently. You graduate in a little over four weeks. I'm dreading it more than I have dreaded anything, ever. I hate to admit that you mean so much to me. I'm always the girl running away and avoiding my feelings. But I know what I feel when I'm with you. Every minute spent with you, I cherish. I don't know what is going to happen in the next few months but i'm ready. Because you have taken your time with me. And you have invested yourself and your time in us. That means more than you could ever know. At first you hesitated to let us progress, but you gave in. And you have finally made me feel like I am worth it.

I can't focus

   On anything recently. My head is all over the place. Nothing seems to fit together and everything falls apart on a daily basis.  There is no place that I call home....

I Could Stay Like This Forever

I can't resist anything about you.

Working For the Weekend

One time i'm going to be enough. I've been knocked off my feet a number of times. And I have even been caught. But they have never stuck around. I know you won't either. But with you it all feels so different. When your hand touches mine, I know you'll be gone in a few months. I just take it every possible moment I can. Because you consistantly make me happy. It's all going to be worth it. I've spent the past months trying to run away. But something about you pulls me back in every time.

Recently I'm a Mess

    This past week has been more than rough.  I'm more stressed out than I have been in months.  I'm worried about how your doing.  Not being able to be there is killing me.  I want to make sure your okay and taking care of yourself. I know I can't save you but I wish that I could.  A lot of weight is on my shoulders because you trust in me and I'm so glad you do.

Basically...

I don't know why but when I think of you I can't help but smile.  Nothing about you is simple and I like that. You always have me on the edge of my seat.  I can't predict your next move. And I don't really care what it is, as long as it involves me.

My stomach hurts because my nerves are out of control. I hope I'm just overreacting.

You Can Find Some Rest With Me

Sleep was amazing last night.

Those arms make me feel safe.

That smirk makes my knees weak.

You make me laugh hardcore.

I'm not running away this time.

Lunch in 3 hours. 

I'm always looking foward to seeing you.

A week is too long.

Boyz in the Hood

Are you afraid of hurting me? I'm dying to know what your thinking right now.  Nothing about us is ordinary.  So I think it's okay to just give it to me straight.  I want to be the person you come to when you get good news. Opening up to me should be right around the corner.  Am I expecting too much?  I try to keep things simple for you but it's not that realistic. I'm always so afraid to hold on. Now i'm afraid to let go.

Dear Mel

Your truely happy.

Don't Settle

Dear Every Girl I Know,
You deserve someone who is going to spend his time thinking of you and actually caring about how you feel. He should make you feel like your at the top of the world. Time with him should make you feel invincible. He should tell you your beautiful and smart, and mean it with everything he has. He doesn't have to sweep you off your feet or buy you flowers on a regular basis, but he should treat you like a person. You have feelings and he should respect them. Don't put time into a guy who is just going to talk to you when its convenient. Don't allow yourself to be used and ditched when a new girl comes around. Don't settle for a guy who is giving you attention. You deserve the very best.

I Can't Sleep, Not That I Ever Wanted To

       Being back at school feels natural.  Everything seems to fall into place and my steps seem to have a direction.  I know I have to put my all in, but my focus rests on him.  I want to treasure every moment I have and hold on for as long as possible.  

       He isn't like you.  Sometimes my tones confuse him and he overlooks the truth in my jokes.  He doesn't know me like you do, but then again I have never opened up to him like I have to you.  You never deserved what we had, even if it was only two weeks long.  

        I don't want those arms to not be around me. I feel weird sleeping alone.  You have become my consistant head rest. Your chest is my most used pillow.  

You're Beautiful in every little piece love.  And don't you know, you're really gonna be someone...

Last Semester's Notebook

      Before i go to walk away, he grabs my hand and pulls me back in.  His fingers send a shock of electricity through the tips of mine.  I start dreading spending the night without him next to me.  It seems rediculous to want so much so fast.  I know i shouldn't get close, he'll be gone in less than a year.  I'm setting myself up for a disaster.  The smart thing would be to just back away, but i'm tired of running.  I want to see where this goes.  My fears shouldn't stop me from being happy.

       Maybe this isn't going anywhere.  I don't think you know what you want.  I'm trying really hard to be okay with that.  I know that when i kiss you, your smile grows bigger.  While i lay on your chest we laugh.  I can't help but to always want you around.  I've been smiling a lot.

       Last week was incredible.  Those arms of yours are becoming my safe place.  i was getting ready to go home and insisted on seeing me before i left.  That gave me a lot of hope for whatever we are.  When i said i was having a bad week you pulled me in close and said "everyone has them, comer over here you."  I don't think i'm ready to open up to you yet.  And i know your not ready for that.  I like that there is no pressure on me from you.  I think your sincere in all of your actions.  Part of me wants you to be like every other guy and disappoint me.  Just so i can get out, do what i always do and just run.  I keep telling myelf that it's time to change and that it's okay to change.  

        One day i won't need someone else to make me feel pretty.

        Thursday we'll hang out and go to the movies.  You told me i should skip my morning class on Friday.  We're "just friends" but you seem to be persistant recently.  My hopes are as high as mountains.  I should just give up and move on but i can't do that. When i see you my heart beats faster.  I know you don't want to let me go.  It killed you to see him laying in my bed.  But if you don't want me, someone else will and i think you finally realised that.  I hope you decide to stick around and take back your words.

       You were never mine and i never really had you.  I'm sorry i care so much.

       You wrap your arm around me and kiss my shoulder.  What do you want from me?

       I haven't seen you in a week. I miss everything about you.  Your hands need to find a way back to my waist.  And your lips need to meet mine again. You make me feel invincible.  

These are my intentions.

After tonight...

   I know how i feel, but i'm not clear about how you feel. I knew this is how it would be when we were back. I don't know why I thought things would change. You really only want me when you can't have me. This isn't something to be thrown around. My feelings for you are growing stonger with each night spent in your arms. Please don't let me down.

Tomorrow

     I'll be back to the place where things make sense.  I'm ready for this semester and plan on enjoying every second of it. Your arms have become my safe place, even though its not my best decision. For once i'm not running. 

Right now, i need you to miss me.

Note To Self

     Be happy. Be content with what you have and enjoy every second of it.  Nothing is impossible.  He cares for you and that is enough. Don't let your fears hold you back from enjoying your life.  Life doesn't give you second chances, be happy that he did.  Everything should mean something, and this does. Stop telling yourself your not good enough. He's just scared. Believe in yourself for once. Your worth this.

Dear Heart,

     Stop feeling what your feeling.  Your going to break yourself into thousands of pieces.  He couldn't stay even if he wanted to. 

You Put On Quite A Show

      For a while there you had me believing every word.  You had me hanging on them.  But then you said forever and always, just like you use to.  And I realised were never going to be remotely close to what we use to be.  I can finally say i'm completely over you and everything we use to be.  I have no regrets about us.  You were never good enough for me.  

      Then there is him...  The guy who has me smiling everyday from miles and miles away.  I know he is just going to leave but i'm going to make the best of the time I have with him. He cares, and I'm finally starting to believe that. And with every day I get more and more attached.  Every day I become closer to trusting him.

      I do miss you and I do care. I just think i'm hurt that you ever thought i didn't. A lot has been going on lately. And i can't say i can handle it all. None of that is really your fault.