Things I've Done Since We Ended

1. Stole a bike.
2. Wore heels out.
3. Kissed a few boys.
4. Tried eggnog.
5. Changed my mind about what I want to do.
6. Got back in touch with old friends.
7. Met new people.
8. Felt comfort in someone else's arms.
9. Pulled myself back together.


I kept telling myself my world had stopped, but it never did. I tried to slow it down, but things happen whether you are ready or not. I've changed and it's for the better. Sure my walls are back up. But I'm happy with who I am. I don't miss how I use to let people walk all over me.

From here on out. I'm being more clear from the beginning about what I want. I refuse to let myself stop feeling. I'm being more open and letting things out. Because when he texted me today, my whole face lit up. And when he told me he can't wait to watch a movie when we got back, I was filled with excitement. Because for now, he makes me smile. That's enough for me. He tells me when i'm being irrational or a brat. And he always had open arms when I entered his room, eyes swollen from crying over you. He has changed me already, in the best kind of way.

Acceptance

I haven't cried since Sunday. And that probably seems like no big deal but to me recently that is a huge accomplishment. While laying in bed last night, I was thinking of him. For the first time I was longing for someone's arms, and that someone wasn't you. I'm going to be okay. I'm never going to forget you. Because so far, the best days have been with you. But that doesn't mean there won't be better days with someone else. It doesn't mean that you're the only guy who is going to make my heart leap out of my chest. Don't flatter yourself.

Looking back now, I feel like such a foolish child. I should have just cut off all ties when we ended. Because I ruined any chance of us being friends. I just keep pushing and wanting answers. But the answer was simple. You just weren't in love with me anymore. And that's a hard pill to swallow, but I acted so weak and immature, so out of character. But it's all okay now. I'm back on my feet. And when people ask about you. I don't break down or avoid it. I tell them that it's over, and that i'm okay with that, because for the first time, I really am.

I still get confused about how quickly you moved on. But it doesn't tear me apart anymore. I know you're spending new years with her, and that was supposed to be our time together. And I don't really care anymore. I honestly just want you and I to both end up happy.

Dumb Choices

I just made a huge mistake and read all the facebook messages i ever wrote to you. Honestly it crushed me to hear me so happy. What happened to that girl? Where can I go to get her back? Sometimes I wish I could hate you. But I honestly don't see that ever happening. I can't believe im still so broken. Its been two months and two days since your words broke me apart. That's all its been. And you're already out there with someone else, being happy again. How do you move on so quickly? Sure I have crushes and kiss a few boys. But how do you jump right into someone else? I guess sometimes I am just that easy to forget about.

I hope you miss me. Else what we had really wasn't real. But those messages...the way you so simply just said i love you. That was real. I know it was, I saw it. When you cried, fearing losing me, your eyes said it all. You don't love her like that do you? Would you cry if she left you?

I Want To Run Away

I like you. I know it, you know it. And I miss the nights spent in your arms now that I am home. You're the only person who makes me feel like me anymore. You make me feel alive again and put the red in my cheeks. You have no idea how much that means. Your slowly putting back together my shattered pieces. Those may not be your intentions but that is what happening. Please don't walk away like everyone else. I'm not ready for that just yet.

Dear holidays,

I hate you. While everyone is enjoying you and being happy, my family is miserable and hates each other. This place isn't home. I've never felt so alone in my life. I'm sick of not being good enough. I'm over people taking me for granted. Why can't I just honestly mean something to someone? When am I going to be worth someone's time?

Sincerely,
Mel

There was a part of her that wondered what would happen if she let them all in on the secret - that some mornings, it was hard to get out of bed & put on someone else’s smile; that she was standing on air, a fake smile who laughed at all the right jokes & whispered all the right gossip & attracted the right guy, a fake who had nearly forgotten what it felt like to be real.. & who, when you get right down to it, didn’t want to remember because it hurt more than this.

I'm pretty sure I have a sign on my forehead that says, kiss me and treat me sweet and then don't bother calling.

I make him nervous. And that makes me the happiest I have been in months. The way he brushed the hair out of my face so gently, sent shivers through my body. I wasn't expecting any of this. When he asked me to hang out, I was thrown so off guard.

I'm watching the food network today. Most of you have no idea why that seems odd. But it's the first time since October. I'm not a mess anymore. I'm okay. I'm so worried about him. He is more broken and crushed than ever. Do you know what it is like to worry that your dad is going to be spending Christmas on the streets? To be honest, I wish I hadn't been such a stupid mess when you ended it. Because for some reason, when it came to him, it was always easiest to talk to you.

I know sometimes there is nothing I can do. I can't afford to give him anymore money. I've already given him a semesters tuition. I hate how I'm working my ass off and he is laying in bed all day. I know its really hard to find a job right now, but there has to be a job somewhere.

Ughhh.

I know I'm probably wasting my time. You're not someone I should be hanging out with. You're reckless and so careless. But thats what pulls me in. You're everything I should stay away from. But i like time spent with you, and when you're not around, I wish you were. I've heard all the warnings. Everyone's always so worried about me, and always trying to stop me from making my own decisions.

Its Okay.

I don't hate you. Someone said something to me, that made it all make a lot more sense. She told me that I've been on your end before and I've done the same thing to others. And she was right. I know how it is to care about someone but know that you're better off without them. So no, I don't hate you. But we're still never going to be friends. I'm finally okay from our break up. Everyone is starting to see me become myself again.

I refuse to let myself become insecure. I'm a great girl. I'm nice and caring, and I'm fun to be around. I shouldn't doubt that. No one else should have any control over how I feel about myself. I'm worth taking a risk for. One day, the right guy, is going to know that.

You didn't deserve to be questioned the way I did it. I'm no longer you're girlfriend, I have no rights. And I really am sorry. I know your not a bad guy, you are a great guy, just not a great guy for me. So honestly, good luck in everything that you do. Please stay safe. Maybe years down the road from now, we'll somehow reconnect and be friends again, but that just seems like a different lifetime. Dream big and don't lose the ambition you have, I've always envied that trait. This is goodbye.

I'm okay. I'm not the mess everyone expects me to be. I hate how you continued to try and say you cared. And tried to tell me to take care of myself. You don't care. Stop faking it. I don't need your pity. And you are right, i'll never look at you the same, and I can't say I'll ever respect you again either.

But i'm smiling today. The sun has peaked out a few times. I refuse to let your actions impact the person I become. I'm use to let downs, so you're nothing special. You just caught me a little off guard. But my walls are back up and are higher than ever.

I didn't run to him for comfort like I use to when the nights were hard without you. But instead I told him finally that I like him. And that I didn't want anything said in return. I just needed him to know. Because it doesn't hurt when I think about him. He actually makes me happy. And sure, he is kind of an asshole, but i still think he is better than you.

I just am in shock. Everything you said about it being hard was just bullshit. You could have been honest you know. You could have just told me you lost feelings. I would have preferred the truth. I'm pretty sure I deserved it. I did everything I could to make you happy, and all along, you deceived me. Don't ever say you worried about me again.

I hope things with her are easier. I hope its not too hard for you.

I remember the last time I saw you. As you walked to your car, I did everything I could to hold back the tears. And I did. From here on out, I'm going to be that strong. And the moment you left, there was no I love you spoken. Why were we always holding back those words? I need to stop doing that so much. And so do you. We held each other back. We were both so hesitant to feel anything. I wanted more than anything to let you in. But you never pushed to know more. You never asked me. But I never asked you either. I was always on eggshells when it came to emotions. I was so afraid to show you I needed you, and at the time, I really did need you. But I don't anymore.

I'm going to be okay. My heart is going to heal before I know it. He held my hand the other night. And played with my fingers as we woke up. He doesn't make me any promises. There is no expectations or anything like that. I like time spent with him. Its effortless and he makes me feel real again. And when he's gone, i miss hanging out with him. I was taking him for granted for a few weeks now. But I should have been giving more. Because when someone starts to jumpstart your heart again, you can't let them walk away. I need to stop wanting what I use to have. I'm never going to be with him again. So I need to be more welcoming to whats in front of me. I can't play games just because I'm not exactly ready. Maybe this is what I need.

Go ahead and tell me one more time. Tell me I'm gorgeous and every guy that walks in the room wants me. Tell me I have a killer personality and can get whatever I want. I'm so sick of hearing of all it. Guys do want to get into my pants. And sure some guys may like me. But stop trying to make me feel like that should make me feel better. I'm not shallow. That's not what I want. I have never been the girl to want all eyes on me. I wanted him. End of story. And I didn't want him just cause I couldn't have him. I wanted him because every time I heard his voice, it felt as though a blanket slowly covered my shoulders. And when he walked into a room, not only did I smile, but I couldn't help but squeeze my fingers with excitement. Every small move caused me to fall over my feet.

But he's been crushed before and it wasn't from me. He still worries that I don't wear a coat, but that kind of says it all. He doesn't love me. He worries, because he' a nice guy. But I should have known all along that he didn't love me. He said it one drunk night in bed. It didn't mean anything. I never meant anything to the one person who meant everything to me.

You don't deserve this. I never should have let you in. From the beginning you kept me at such a distance. You refused to ever let me in. I gave you everything I had. All you could give me was a comforting place. Which was great and I needed it. But I need someone who isn't afraid to tell me how they feel. Someone who challenges me to actually feel something. You always so easily put your emotions aside. And that use to be how I was, but I refuse to do that anymore.

You don't want me. And that honestly is the most pain I have ever felt. I'm not what your looking for. I'm not what you need. Nothing about me, makes you want to hold on.

I hope when you hear my name, it hurts like hell. And that when you speak it, it leaves a sour taste in your mouth. Because you need to know, that you crushed me. And I'll never be who I was with you. No one will ever experience me as you did. So be thankful. And while your at it, let yourself feel something, anything. Feel crushed, even if only for a moment. Because you can't tell me that what we had wasn't amazing. You can't convince me that what we had was typical.

I'm going to be okay. Fine is hiding behind a close corner...I hope.

Better Off

I am better off, just like everyone kept saying. Of course you cared for me, but not as much as I cared for you. And that's no ones fault. It's one of those things that just happens. So from here on out, I'm pulling myself back together. On days when I feel like losing it all, i'll just think of the times you let me down. The times you didn't call and I had to call you. The week I waited for any word from you, and the whole time you had your phone. I deserve someone better than that. And you deserve someone who you can't imagine going days without talking to. But i'm done wishing the best for you. I need to start wanting the best for myself.

This Christmas Party Sucks

The holidays are creeping up. My heart is more broken then ever. I dread the Holidays, they always hurt these days. My last Christmas I spent the whole day crying and talking to you. People always leave. My family is a joke. I can't hold it together anymore. It was never my job to fix things. I'm pushing everyone out of reach. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to be close to anyone. The people you depend on, always let you down. We can't be friends. You can't be part of my life. Because the only way I want you there is if we're together. And I'm the only one who wants that. So goodbye. I hope your life is everything you want. I know you'll be just fine. As you said you've been crushed before. This was no obstacle for you. That clarifies everything. I'm finally letting go. This meant more to me then it ever meant to you. I'm always the naive girl, always too trusting.

I'm going back to being careless, it was all so much easier without feelings.

Weakdays

I didn't sleep last night. I didn't find any comfort. Tonight will be another sleepless night. I know it's over. I finally felt it today. I can tell that you're moving on, you're letting go. I've never been so crushed. Moving on should be right around the corner, but I can't seem to find the right turn. How do I do this? How do I push all of our memories out of reach? Everyone was on eggshells around me today.

I just need to let this out. I wanted to spend forever with you. I've never even wanted to spend a year with anyone else. You're the only person who captivated me like that. The only person who made me feel like I could do anything. It was like you gave me these wings that I never knew I could have. And now they are gone, and I'm completely broken.

But I won't stay broken, I can't. I'm not this girl. In a few months, i'll be okay. I'll smile again. But I'll never put myself out there like that. My walls are higher than ever. My expectations don't even come off of the ground.

I might be able to sleep tonight.

I know I promised I wouldn't but I lied.

Dear Old Man,

I hope your birthday is everything you want it to be. I want to be the first person to tell you happy birthday, but it's not really my place at all. You really are an amazing person. You're a great friend and you really know how to bring happiness to others. I hope you're doing well. I'm sure you are, you're always the tough, strong guy. I just hope you are truly happy. And I wish the best for you, and success in everything that you do. Always,
Little Mel.

I'm Left With Nothing

I tried to convince myself I'd never admit to missing you. I tried to tell myself that I was so much better off and could find someone who actually wanted me to stick around. But I'm kind of over feeling anything for anyone.

I spend my days trying my best to tell myself that one day i'll stop loving you. That one day it won't all hurt so much and I can stop pretending. I'm so sick of everyone around me. They don't understand why I don't want to kiss some other guy goodnight. My body is falling apart on me. I literally can not breath without being in pain. Everyone is always saying they won't leave. I don't know why I trusted you when you said all those things to me. I don't know why I ever let my walls down for you. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep when I'm all alone. I've tried to meet other guys. I even went on a date. But he just isn't you. And when he kissed the top of my head, I didn't feel safe or cared for. I felt empty. I'm always feeling empty.

I love you and I'm falling apart. You don't even give a shit. I can't stop feeling so alone.

I'm Just Faking

I still can't believe your gone and left me. I can hear your voice in my head. You tell me to keep my head up and smile. You tell me that I can't change anything and that a lot of time, have no control. I hate how you never leave me. You're gone but I can't get rid of you. I remember feeling wrapped up in those arms. My days spent with you, were the best days I've ever had. I wish you understood how much you mean to me. You really mean everything. I rest my head on the couch and think back to all the times my head was rested on you. Those drives in your car where I would almost fall asleep on your shoulder, listening to the Beatles. You could have had me forever; I wish you would have.

Are You There?

I got out of bed today and brushed my teeth before thinking of you. It was the best morning I've had in a while. I know I'll never stop caring about you. I'm finally starting to care about myself. This boy, he is so sweet. He actually likes me, and wants to know everything about me. And I can't help but smile when he is around. I finally have realized, your never coming back. And I can be okay without you. I may not ever be who I was with you, but maybe thats for the better. I had all these big dreams, that were so out of reach and unattainable. You made me think that anything is possible. I was so optimistic. But I need to be more realistic. Somethings are just impossible. And somethings are just never going to work. People always end up leaving, after promising that they won't.

The only people you can depend on, are yourself and your best friends. And sometimes even they fall short. We're all fighting our own battles. We all have issues that hold us down. The only thing we can really do is support each other.