Girlfriend Visit.

This weekend Laur came to visit.  It was great.  Spur of the moment she was just like what are you doing this weekend?...okay im coming.  The timing couldn't have been better.  I have been missing my girls so much recently and it was so nice to have laur around for the weekend.  Friday we went out and it was creeper central.  Not to self, avoid the coliseum. What a shady place. Saturday night was fantastic. Ash, laur and i went up to the usual townhouse.  The three of us had a blast together. Peanuts anyone?

I've been thinking a lot recenlty about what I want from this. And I can't really be sure. What else is new?

You Just Left

I wish you could have stayed forever. Laying on your chest laughing with you is perfect. I can't wait another week to see you.  Sweetie you have me smiling non stop. 

It's Not Mine But I Want It

    Lauren is coming to visit me tonight for the whole weekend.  I can't wait, like I need this more than anything right now.  I feel kind of bad because i can't promise tonight is going to be that good, but tomorrow is going to be fabulous.  I've been really down recently.  I can't seem to figure out how to stop these feelings. 

   Your coming over today.  I haven't seen you in about a week, and I hated it.  I'm pushing myself away already.  I'm trying to find flaws in everything you say and do.  This is what I always do, this is what i've been trying to avoid. I wish you were around this weekend. I miss those arms around me.

I'm not that strong...

I miss the lips that made me fly.

Lacking Motivation.

   I'm in a creative mood and I am sick of all this work tying me down.  I hate having a schedule to follow and due dates to adhere to. I need someone or something to inspire me.  It has been a struggle the last few days.  My friends were home this weekend.  Those three girls that have been through it all with me.  I was so jealous.  I want to see them and laugh with them.  Because they make me happier than anything else.  It has been hard not seeing them and talking with them 24/7.  I am always the strong one of the group, with my jello heart, but i find myself consistantly missing them.  Don't get me wrong. I love it up here. I like the friends I have made and I don't know what I would do without my room mate.  What a life safer.  I just miss the comfort of being able to say anything and not be judged.  When i found out Gabby was going home too the first thing i did was ask steve if he would drive me home.  That obviously worked, haha, not.  It's hard to go from having people around all the time to never having them there.

    Your working your way back into my life.  And it's been amazing just talking to you.  It still aches when we talk.  But i'm a strong girl, I can handle it.  I hope you know that you have let me down a lot in the past.  You have hurt me more than anyone else, and i have cried over you more than I would ever admit. Just don't lie to me.

If you fall i swear, i'll pick you right back up.

This is not Homework.

I should be doing some school work but i can't seem to focus at all today.  My mood is so mediocre but i have no reason behind it.  I had a fun weekend, and i should be happy about that.  But i think it still hurts to see you kiss her. This is what i wanted though, us to be just friends.  I'm scared that your going to use her and hurt her.  Just like you have used me. Continuously you let me down and i'm trying to just accept it.  But i want the best for you and i don't want to have to think your a scum bag. Even though its pretty clear you are. Maybe one day you'll learn your limit and take it a little easier.

   I just want to cuddle and rest my head on your chest.  It's becoming clear that your what i want right now.  And i need to stop doubting myself and you.  You have had your chances and you never take them.  I really respect that. I missed having you around last night. All the guys call me "your girl."  I'm not really sure what to say to that, because what we are has no title and no rules.  I have spent the whole day thinking about you.

Too much too soon.

   I've really been trying to impress you, but there is no need for all of that. I act like a little loser and you smile and kiss me. It's becoming clear to me that time with you attributes to most of my happiness recently.

I'd do whatever i could so you'd stay.

     It's been an amazing birthday weekend, and it would be ridiculous not to thank everyone involved.  Thursday, my actual birthday was so much fun.  Some girls from my hall took me out to michaels.  We danced and had a good time. Then Friday we went up to the townhouses...like usual. =] Saturday i had a bonner thing.  We really bonded as a group. I'm excited for everything that comes next. Then i went to boys apartment and then up to the townhouses with Ash.  It was a fabulous time. I couldn't have asked for anything more. 

   What do you want?  I mean we use to be so close. But we lost that, you and i both know that. I've learned that your words are usually faulty.  It's been impossible to let you go. But i'm moving on the best i can. As much as it hurts when we talk, i just want you to be happy.  And i want me to be happy.  I assume both are going fairly well.

   Your chest is becoming somewhere i can rest my head.  There's no complaints there. I'm afraid to let my guard down, but i think that kiss on the cheek said it all. I have to stop running away from my feelings.  Maybe i'll start here.

This could be the start of something new.

This has been a really awesome new experience. I didn't think college would be this hard though. I find myself wanting to give up on a daily basis. I know i need to focus more, but it's all too new. I just want to soak it all in. Maybe this crush is all because boys are something i focus well on. They are the one thing that as much as they come and go, i don't usually give up. I can't wait for this weekend to come.
Tomorrow is my birthday! I'm really excited. Eighteen isn't much of a difference, but it seems right. College=young adults. Haha. I'm ridiculous. Tomorrow is not going to be fun however. I have a paper to write, a meeting to go to, and history stuff to read. Friday should be fun though. I have my last class till three thirty and then Steve is picking me up =] Were going to hang out, then i am coming back, changing and going to albany for a good time. Without the roomie =[ Saturday though...were going to ualbany to party it up. I can't wait. Yay.

Perfectly Content

I'm really happy with where i am right now. I mean this has all been a little tough to adjust to but it's been worth it. I've been missing a lot of people consistently. I wonder how things will be when I go home for the first time in a month or two. This is one place where I need to succeed. Working hard was something i never had to do at home. It's been hard to adjust to coming home and reading or doing homework right away. Procrastinating is killing me.

Last night instead of doing work, like i should have, i spent the night with him. This guy who makes fun of me probably more than anyone else, and i love it. Our age difference was finally apparent last night while we were watching the vma's. I find myself crushing all too fast. He doesn't just want to get in my pants, which i still can't believe. What am i getting myself into? Lets see if he calls.

Here I Go Again

I'm such a fool, always. You can't decide that i mean everything to you. I don't want to mean that much. You want to change, for me. That's not how it should be. Where do you expect this to go? Because i'm your everything but you don't want to date me. I'm done putting effort into us. I've moved on. I know that its killing you to see me with him. But it's what i want. So please stop being so angry with me. And stop looking at me with eyes full of such big expectations.

Wake me up when September ends.

I have been having my ups and downs. I miss my friends. But i have made some new ones that are a lot of fun. Nights at the townhouses have become regular and the people there are so welcoming. Some girls thought I wasn't a frosh because i was in our townhouse and I knew everyone. I think its going to start getting easier...or at least i hope so.

I have been thinking about someone from the past a lot. I have been wondering if on mybirthday he will even text me. I have been struggling with letting him go since June. It has not gone well at all. Every day he is in my thoughts and I hate sleeping because I dream about him all the time. I thought maybe being at college would make this all easier. I'm still hurting, and I don't want to anymore.

Last night i kissed this guy. Who is much older and is probably only looking for one thing. But it was just a kiss. Sometimes that's all I need to feel a little prettier. I just want to be someone that you can't forget.

Good Morning Sunshine

I have a 8:15 today.
It blows hardcore.
I'm kind of over college.
I had freedom at home.


I miss my best friends, a lot a lot.
And my dogs, such cuties.


I want to fall in love, i'm sick of all these boys...

You Had Me Losing My Mind

We still haven't had our talk, but i'm pretty over it. You can't decide what you want and that's really clear and also perfectly okay. For once i know what i want, and it doesn't include you as more than a friend. I have spent months in the past wanting you. And you have known it all along. I have done all I can to help you and steer you away from those terrible things. I can't be the one to save you. And its not really fair to expect me to. This was my first two days of college classes. I love my classes. My teachers seem awesome. My room mate reminds me of my girls, which is both exciting and sad. I miss them more than anything in the world. They are my everything. I realise how much each one of them has impacted me. Constantly i drop your mom jokes, who else does that? I have had my lights off and just been listening to music in my room. Who else likes the dark and dancing around? And i have been wired and on energy drinks way too much. See these girls are a part of me. I didnt leave them behind at all. They are right here with me. And i wouldn't have it any other way.....well there is always room in my bed for a visit. Anytime.

post party.

It's still pretty early. But i think tonight will be the earliest night yet at Siena. Its been a whole bunch of fun times so far. You told me we needed to talk. And that you wanted to be completely sober when we did so. I have a few ideas of what you'll say. I really just want you to say that you love me. Not in a lets date kind of way, but more of a friends kind of way. But there are so many things this could be about. It's been nice meeting all the upperclassmen. They are so funny, trying to get me drunk, and the other night it worked. I really want to kiss someone but i dont just wanna kiss anyone. I want it to be cute and fun and mean something. I'm probably not going to find that.