Friday night...alone.

I keep smiling and telling everyone i'm doing just fine. They all believe me and smile, and say its for the best. But I don't believe that for a second. He held me trying to comfort me. He is the only one who sees how hurt I am. And everytime his fingertips touch my arms, I want to break down and cry. But I force myself to hold it together. "You're not that girl mel, you are not that girl. hold it together." Everyone is telling me to go out and kiss boys and be single and have fun, but I had plently of fun being your girl. You are ever thing I could ever want. I can't imagine meeting someone who even compares to you. I can't imagine kissing someone else. They're lips aren't going to send shivers through my body like yours do. Nothing about them is going to make me feel safe and cared for.

"I meant everything i ever said to you"

I know you did. Well I hope you did. I'm out of things to say to you. Because you probably are making the best decision for right now. But I hate the idea of right and wrong decisions. I'm always the girl following my head instead of my heart and I changed for you. I let you in. As I go through my phone and read saved texts from you I try my best not to feel like a fool. "Dont worry babe. Even though i'm across the country, I didn't leave." But this time you did. I can't lean on you and share it all with you anymore. You need to understand that I'm on my own now. I know you care, but you need to learn how to stop me from seeing that. As much as i feel broken and down, part of me still believes in you. Part of me is dying to hear you say that you don't want anyone else and you don't care how hard this is. That your willing to say fuck the odds and invest yourself in something that is irrational. But you so easily push aside your feelings. Your always trying to do whats best.

Dear...well you know who.

I've been doing my best to try and not think about everything. But everything is tied to you. All my notebooks are filled with you. I opened my bio notebook to read "You hold my whole heart, i can't imagine ever giving it to anyone else." I'm not trying to tell you this to hurt you. I'd never want that. But I'm trying to figure out how. How am i going to let go? How am I going to stop feeling everything for only you? I refuse to cry anymore. My eyes ran out of tears days ago. How is this fair? You've known all along that we wouldn't last. I was too naive to believe you. I thought that somehow we could do it. That you wouldn't be able to just end it. I thought we could make it through anything. I can be such a stupid girl sometimes. Thinking that you were the one for me, and that I could spend forever in your arms. I keep replaying one moment over and over again in my head. The weekend when you came to visit when you said "you're my everything." I guess I thought that meant a lot more than it actually did.

Its just hard

I never imagined those words. I'm so nieve.

I'd like to make myself believe

I'm trying really hard to just let it go and let it slide by. But i'm not that kind of girl. I never want to be. I'm dying to feel needed or wanted or missed. I want to hear anything that leads me to believe that I mean something to you.

I can't sleep cause your all that is on my mind, and i'm not on yours.

My Baby Don't Mess Around

I'm anxious and I'm nervous and I finally let it out today. I needed someone else to know how stressed I am about all this. I know I am probably worrying for no reason. I've had this happen before and it always turns out okay, but recently something feels different. Maybe thats what scares me even more....

Chills Me To The Ground

My feet are freezing off of my body. This week seems to never come to an end. The days drag on and on. I can't find it in me to sleep through the night. Everyday has the same struggles so I don't know why they keep getting more painful. I can't get out of this crappy mood, and no one even notices.

Its the 6 most important letters.

You always use to save me from these sucky days. Everything falls apart in front of me. You use to hold me until I was strong enough to pick up the pieces, but now i'm here to do it all myself. And I can't find the courage in me to fix it this time. It isn't my mess to fix, it never is. But someone has to do it.