How low can you go?

I'm on vacation. My days have been spent on the beach laughing with my best friend. Things have been so simple. But you have still been on my mind constantly. I miss you and your rough edges. Mostly though, I miss the way you acted when no one was around. I miss how you use to play with my nose in the morning when we woke up. And the way you kissed my hand when your shoulder was hurt, and you couldn't lean over to kiss my lips. We shared more moments than I thought we would have. You opened me up again. Thank you for reminding me what it is like to feel something.

Can you try something for me? Try to let someone in. Please try to let someone understand you, I never could. Everyday spent with you, I worked to figure out what your little comments meant. But everyday I fell short. You are going to knock some girl off her feet, and if you allow yourself, some girl will do the same to you.

I'm smart enough to know that I will never be that girl. I tried so hard to let you in. But you didn't care to know everything going on in my life. I can't say I'd blame you. If I were a guy, I'd probably keep my distance from a girl like me. I have so much going on, such a big past, how can I have a reliable future?

I Start To Fight

I need to be on my own for a little while. I trusted you, and you hurt me. I know I hurt you in return. I shouldn't have done that. But I don't regret it. He showed me things that I was missing. He reminded me what it was like to have someone actually care about me. To ask how my day was, and genuinely want to know the answer. I deserve better than what you were giving me. You should have realized that too. I was investing all of my free time in us, and every night, you kept me waiting.

I'm not the kind of girl who will wait around for you to figure out what you have. And when you continuously mess up, I am not going to offer you second chances.

Messy

This is all too complicated. I can not wait to go home. Everything is such a mess. I miss you and I hate that I do. Why couldn't you just let me in? Now you realize that you lost your chances. Your trying more now than you ever did than. I told you that you hurt me, and you said you didn't even think that was possible. Of course it was possible. You knew how much I liked you and you took advantage of that. And now you want to try and fix things and make them more like they use to be.

Done

We're done. Whatever we had is completely over. I called it off yesterday. I'm sure it caught you off guard. I refuse to let anyone treat me with such little respect. I know you care, but you couldn't let me in. I'm so sick of guys who have walls higher than mountains.

This Head

Is a mess. I am all over the place. I can not focus on anything. Everything is so hectic. I am putting way too much on my plate. I can't please anyone.

Nightmares

They are taking over my nights that are now void of sleep even more so than they were in the past. You are in every single dream. I don't know why you're back in my thoughts this week. Why are these dreams torturing me to miss you. I was so happy a few days ago. Happy about this boy, who is so hard to read, just like you use to be. But he isn't at all what I need. He isn't consistent. Daily he makes me worry that I am not good enough or what he wants...

Welcome back self doubt, I haven't been missing you.