I felt your lips against mine and couldn't help but smile. As you pulled me into you, I felt safe and at ease. I never wanted you to know how I felt, but you can read me like a book. I don't expect this to really go anywhere. But that doesn't really bother me. Because I haven't found a chest to sleep on in months. And yours, well it puts me right to sleep. Thank you, for saving me. There were so many nights you put up with my tears and just held me. Slowly, piece by piece, you put me back together. And I'm finally whole again. I am most definitely changed, but you saved me. I was spiraling out of control and you grabbed me and forced me to stop. And when you grabbed my nose this morning, I didn't feel alone.

You'll Think of Me

I spent the whole day thinking of you and the ways in which you changed me. Each notebook was filled with the ways in which I have grown and matured. You really did push me to change. I'm stronger now, than I have ever been. I'm no longer afraid to need someone. Although it can be really painful in the end, it is worth it to invest yourself into someone else. I have learned that speaking up and standing up for myself is really important. I need to be clear about what I want and what my intentions are. I can't blame others for not just knowing what I want.

I loved every little thing about you. Don't ever doubt who you are. You're strong and reliable and you only say things if you truly mean them. But you have to learn that it is okay to need someone. It is worth it. Please put yourself out there. I know you never did with me, and that use to hurt me so much in the past. But you weren't ready, and thats okay. But do not forget that needing someone else does not make you weak. If anything it makes you stronger and more mature. It means that you know that sometimes you just can't handle everything all on your own. It is okay to need help. Thank you. For everything. For loving me and allowing me to love you. I could never forget the way you made me feel so many things all at once.

I Appreciate Your Help

I like you, I do. But I don't know where this is all going. And I am not going to sit around and try and figure you out. At first the way you wrapped your arms around me and played with hands seemed to mean so much more. We're friends. That's all we are, right? You're so afraid of feeling something. And I'm the complete opposite. I am so afraid of not feeling anything.

I can't say I would be that upset if things ended right now. Maybe that says everything.

Carry This Picture For Luck

I'm so ready to start fresh. I feel alive again, on a daily basis. Here I am smiling and these smiles are no longer forced. I still ache inside for a million different reasons, but I'm not going to let that effect who I am.

I know what I deserve and I won't stop or settle until I get it. I deserve to be someone's priority. I want to be wanted. In so many different ways. I need to be needed and I need someone who is going ask how my day was and then actually listen to my answer.

I just want one person to kiss goodnight every single night.

This Is the Last Time I'll Let This Get to Me

Basically I want you to know that I hate you. With all of my heart. You weren't there when I really needed you. Even when I tried to reach out to you, time after time, you let me down. And you hurt me more, when you should have been supportive. So no, I am not going to be nice to you. I want nothing more to do with you.

I miss you. And it really hurts. But I also need you to know, I could never forgive you. So i'm glad you're moving on and over us, your real friends. Because I'm moving on too. And my future...doesn't have you in it.

This Use to Evoke A Lecture

I hate how thinking of you makes me lose my appetite. But i'm glad it doesn't make me lose my composure anymore. If I ever would have said this to you in the past, you would have shoved food down my throat. You were always worried that I couldn't take care of myself. Well I'm doing just fine.

I'm back to being reckless with my decisions. Life's more fun like this.

Out of Weakness

I texted you and told you, "I just wish I didn't have to spend tonight alone." I don't remember the last time I allowed myself to be that vulnerable. You instantly knew something was off. You're always pushing me to talk to you. And maybe I'm ready. I need to start talking to someone.

It makes no sense that talking is what I miss most about Steve. Yes I said his name. I just miss the hard days, when a few words from him, made it all feel better. Lately the days are ripping me apart. I can't find it in me, to just be happy. There is too much going on. There is so much at stake. These moments have the ability to make or break who I become in the future.

I can not afford to keep supporting him. But he's my father and he is homeless and a mess. And you can't just let family suffer like that. So I'll continue to work my ass off and get him what I can. And I'll continue to hope that someone I can stay at Siena. I'll continue to work myself to the point where I can't just relax.

I am trying to remember what it is like to feel warm inside. I'm not upset. I'm content with where I am. But sometime's I forgot what it is like to really feel something. To really feel like someone is caring for me and to in return, really care about someone else.

A Year Ago

I was sitting here thinking of you, texting you, and missing you. I still miss you. But I'm not broken anymore. I'm not a mess who can't move on. Slowly, day by day, I find pieces of who I use to be. Most of them, I don't really want anymore. I was so naive with you.

I've realized I want a family for all the wrong reasons. To fix all the broken things in my life. I want kids who love me unconditionally. I want a guy who can't imagine spending a night without me. I want a family. A real one. One that I can lean on, because i've forgotten what that's like. I want something dependable, a routine.

And I thought you were the one I wanted that with. But you wouldn't have been what I needed. You were so undependable. You could go days without calling, and that hurt a lot. You never knew how much you were hurting me when we were together. I never told you the nights I spent with my hand clenched to my phone, just hoping. Then the nightmares that consumed me and didn't allow me to sleep. I should have let go then. I should have walked away. But you were always the stronger one. I always knew you would be the one to leave.

To A New Year

Hopefully this year will have less let downs than the last. And maybe the people who say they love me, won't just walk out. Because when you care about someone, you don't just leave them. I've never felt as alone as I did the past few months. In some ways, thats no one's fault but my own.

It's a new year, and I'm smiling again. The days are still long and draining. At the end of the day, I still feel empty. But in ways, that emptiness has been here for a long time. Someone said last night, that he obviously never cared about me that much if he so easily let go. I know they were just trying to hurt me, and they really did. Because sometimes I believe that. Sometimes I can't figure out how anyone could care for me. And if they all really did, how come they never stayed around. This doesn't just go for guys.

I'm not the girl I use to be. I'm not as strong as I always was. The past few months have tore me apart. And most of it, doesn't even have to do with him. I'm not as naive as i once was. I know that being in love doesn't mean anything in the long run. Of course it's worth it, but it doesn't promise anything. Love does not conquer all. Love wakes you up and makes you feel alive. It makes you feel invincible and like you have been given the ability to fly. But it doesn't last. Just like everything else good, it eventually comes to an end. Even when it seems like feelings that strong could last forever.

So here is my new years resolution. I want to be stronger. I want to realize that sometimes the plain fact is that he just doesn't want you. I need to start realizing that the people who want to be in my life, make an effort to keep themselves there. But it is not their responsibility alone. I need to start using my head instead of my heart again. I use to be so good at making decisions like that. But recently I find myself wanting to feel anything. But I'm just going to get myself hurt. I need to find some kind of motivation.