Drive Me To Anywhere

I've fallen apart. I don't want to be attached to anyone or anything anymore. There are a few of you who I can't seem to push away though. I can't expect anyone to understand. I can't even tell anyone the things i see and feel. My life here has become one big secret. I just don't think you could handle this.

This Break....

        Is tearing me to pieces. I can't expect many of you to understand why. I'm pulling myself away from everyone.  Because breathing hurts at this point. My distraction and the person who has kept me smiling for months is miles and miles away.  This was the worst, most teared filled Christmas I have ever experienced.  I thought I had gotten so much stronger.  I'm always pushing aside my feelings and I'm still not ready to stop. 

    I need someone to want to have me around. I need someone to need me in their life. Maybe you could be that person? But probably not.  Everyone i choose to care about leaves me, or pushes me away. I already know you'll leave, you have to. I wish my heart was as stone cold as it use to be. I'm sick of feeling anything.

Dear pain killers, you make me tingle. I like it.

Merry Christmas

I don't think I have ever hurt this much.

I Can't Hide The Truth As Well As You

   I've been needing you, missing you, wanting you. This vacation has been filled with thoughts of you and I can't complain. As much as everything seems right and makes sense, it all seems wrong too.  I know that this is never going to become what I want it to be. People always leave.

Things I Miss

1. Being a little kid, and being carefree.

2. The way he wraps his arms around me.

3. You telling me anything.

4. People getting along.

5. My amazing room mate.

6. My biddies from South Africa.

7. My grandmother.

8. Feeling like things are going to work out.

9. Being hopeful.

10. As much as i hate to admit it, my soul mate.

Its So Hard To Pretend

   These holidays aren't all so happy.  I've just been home for a few days and it's been tearing me apart.  I wouldn't expect any one else to understand.  The fights spread like fire and the words sting more than anything.  I was in bliss at school, these problems couldn't sink in.  Being back has already started to bring me down.  

Day 1 In Not Seeing You

      I want the best of both worlds.  I want my friends from home, my biddies from college, and him all in the same 20 miles of each other.  Thats not going to happen though. I can't wait to go home today, because i miss my girls, my dogs, and my family. I know that home doesn't include him and I'm not so sure I like that.  I find comfort in everything about him.  Even in the sweatshirt he gave me with his name accross the back. I'm content with where we are because I know I mean something to him.  We don't need a title for either of us to know that.

My Feelings Make Me Sick

     Everyday spent with you makes me greatful and happy to be alive.  Today laying there warmed me up.  Time spent with you is never time wasted.  I'm glad that you care so much even though you try and stop yourself from caring.  Your sending me home with things of yours and that makes me feel like your trying to hold on.  I want you to know that I don't plan on letting go anytime soon. It's okay if this is all we ever are, because you make me happy. 

Powerless And Sent Home

   So it's been a crazy end to a hetic and stressful week.  I don't even feel like talking about it anymore. I want to go home, but I dread leaving him more than anything.  He has become so important to me. I just want to lay in those arms for days.

This Place

   Has become more and more like home with each day that passes.  In the halls I am greated by people who i spend hours a day with.  The girls in my hall have become comforting and have taught me that it is okay to let loose.  They don't judge me no matter what my actions are.  My room mate has become someone I can share anything with.  She gives the best advice and tells me the truth even when I don't want to hear it.  
   Then there is him. The guy who has been holding my hand for months, but I think his reach goes further than that now. I have never wanted someone so bad. This next month is going to kill not seeing you. 

Sweetie You Have Me

    Whether it was what you wanted or not, you have me. I just want to talk and think about you all the time.  Your all I want anymore. Please don't let this go.

Today Reminded Me

     Your shoulder felt just as comforting as it did months ago.  I know we've made a point to try and be "just friends" but it obviously isn't working. I don't really know what I want anymore. And I know your not whats best for me.  But I haven't been this happy in a over a year.  Today was the best day I have had in weeks.  You never fail to surprise me, in both good and bad ways.  I'm glad that you decided to stop by today.  I can't wait for tomorrow.

Here I Go

     I'm going to be okay. I'm a strong girl.  Anything that is thrown at me, I can handle.  Stop worrying about hurting me.  I can look out for myself.  We can't keep doing this, and I'm realising your just leading me on.  I asked you not to, but it didn't make a difference.  What happened to you?  Last week you were still knocking me off my feet.