Don't Blow Your Composure Baby

We were all just laying around talking when she asked us if we had ever seen The Blindside. I smiled said yes and you said "Yes, we both have, it was our first date." Why didn't I see how amazing you were? Why didn't I allow myself to feel anything for you? I know I wasn't ready yet, and I probably lost my chance then. I'm always closing off my heart to the people who actually deserve it.

I'm not really happy, but in your arms I find rest and sleep easy. What the fuck am I doing?

I just don't want to be alone, and I want to kill you.

In The Middle Of the Night

I don't know how I feel about anything at all anymore. I don't miss crying over you and wanting you to need me. But I'm dying for someone to want me. To want me enough to make it work, to put some effort in. I'm the kind of girl that deserves that. I need to stop settling and trying to convince myself that I don't want to get close to anyone. Opening up again should be somewhere around the corner. There has to be someone who can sweep me off my feet like he did. Right? He can't be the only one who will ever make me feel like that.

A Deeper Ditch

I am always digging myself a deeper ditch. I don't know what it is about you that I can't seem to let go of. I wish you would just feel something for me, anything. I'm not in a standstill. Though I still have feelings for you, I'm going to keep an open mind. Maybe this year will bring me what I have been looking for. I don't think this year will bring us any closer. You are backing off and letting me go. Same story, different guy. You're the same as all the others now. When am I going to be the girl someone doesn't want to leave behind?

Go Here Instead

Look at this

I like who I am. I am who I am. I am finally comfortable with the person I have become. And if you don't like who I have become, I couldn't care less. So I'll spend my days smiling and enjoying my life. And embracing who I am because I'm a great person.

Why am I smiling so big and can't stop? What am I doing?

The smallest things get me every time. I am sitting here completely sick to my stomach over the thought of you. My walls are never coming down again. Over and over again I let people in, just to be left behind and forgotten about. Thanks for adding on to my list. I confided in you and told you things that no one but my best friends know. Things that I have never told anyone at Siena, except for her. You're still playing your games. You need to stop, it's not okay. I can't understand why you would want to hurt me. I am already hurting plenty.

I was hoping deep down that you would fight for me. That you wouldn't let me just walk away.

Sticks and Stones

It is the stupidest thing in the world to be crushed over. I hate the fact that going through my news feed on facebook can ruin my day. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to lose my appetite to the thought of you. We're not talking really, and I know that it's better to have some distance.

I'm not miserable and i'm not a mess. That needs to be said. But I'm not happy and this isn't easy.

And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take

I don't even know what to write. My head is a blur. I figure eventually it will all just clear up on it's own right? I'm feeling better about my decisions concerning you. It has nothing to do with how I feel. Because we all know the feelings haven't gone away. I could have fallen in love with you. Did you know that?...I was falling in love with you. But I know better. You are a great guy, but you're not a great guy for me right now.

We're still talking, and I have to admit its not easy. But I don't want us to be strangers. I felt comfortable with you and I let you in. I don't remember the last time I did that. So i'm going to tough it out and figure out a way for this to hurt less.

I met this guy who is sweet and simple. He says all the right things a girl wants to hear, but that isn't what gets me. Yet he called today and my face lit up. And my sister looked at me and goes "I haven't seen you smile like that in weeks." So maybe he isn't my typical choice. And we're not moving anywhere fast. We're taking things as slow as possible, there is no rush. But he has me smiling again, even when i'm crushed over you.

I never thought the one who put me back together would also be the one to rip me apart all over again...

Too Many Excuses

I am done waiting for you to care more. I know you have feelings for me, and you think that's enough. But I promised myself I wouldn't settle this year. And I am not going to settle with you. There are plenty of guys who would love to see me this summer, even if it involves a two and a half hour drive. But you came up with every excuse in the book as to why you can't make it. This proved everything to me. I need someone who needs me as well.

You're not over your ex. I understand that she broke your heart. I know what that is like. Don't you remember the mess I was when we started spending time together? But I have moved on, I'm happy again, yet you are still so broken. I'm not mad at you for that, but you have decided to hold on to her, and I'm not going to be your second choice.

Each time you text me, I panic. What are you going to say next? You think that this time is the same as all the others, but it is so different. I'm not crawling back into your arms. This weekend I'll find myself wrapped up in another guy's arms. He is sweet and caring. He calls me gorgeous and keeps his dirty thoughts to himself. He is nothing like you. Right now, that sounds so attractive.

You lost this. I'm not just seeing other people for the summer, I'm seeing other people. It is too late to fight to hold on. Stop forcing me to miss you. I'm not weak, I will just walk away. I told you that you were going to miss me, I bet you didn't believe it then.

Please Stay For a While

I don't want to become her. I see her broken and taking care of him. But he won't let her in. He isn't in love with her. And if he is, he doesn't deserve her. No one deserves to be treated like an option. I refuse to wait around for someone to begin to fall for me. I'm not sure what to do about us. I can wait a little while longer, I'll continue to hang onto you. But you need to know my feelings are getting stronger everyday. I am terrified that you are going to crush me and leave me as the mess you first met. I struggle daily with insecurities and self doubt, as you tell me you're not ready. That better be the truth. Why would you put me back together just to break me apart again? All those nights in your arms have changed me. I've become sure of who I am, and no matter how much I try to deny it, I'm always caring too much. I can't be cold and hard like I use to be. Following my heart seems like my only option any more. I never use to be this way.

This isn't exactly what I wanted but it is making me happy and that is all that matters. Every night when I lay my head upon my pillow, I think of you. And i'm content with where we stand. I don't care about all the labels and that nonsense.

I guess I've just been happy.

I don't know how to say this. My heart just hurts. I am so sick of being let down. I'm over being hurt by everyone I come in contact with. Why can't anyone just be honest and say what they feel and what they want? Instead of spending their time, wasting mine.

All We Are

I wish I knew what you wanted from me. So you hate that I don't trust you. Well welcome to the club. I can't remember the last time I really trusted someone. I even held back with him. I've been doing my best to open up to you. I don't want to keep you at a distance but I am so afraid of being crushed because I put my trust into someone. I don't know how to say all of this to you. I don't know how to tell you how much I care for you.

Honesty

Your telling me things I have been dying to hear. You have been investing your trust in me and I am ready to return the favor. I am ready to tell you everything, all about my past and how that has affected who I am today.

You told me today that you want to change. This isn't the first time we discussed this, but this time, I asked more. You told me that I make you a better person. That you want to change little things, things that hold you back. It made me so happy to hear that you realize your flaws. I never asked you to change, I would never do that.

This Carpets Got Hills

You're putting in an effort again. A real effort, with coffee delivery, and lunch dates. Once again I find sleep with my head rested safely on your chest. But then you had to go and tell me that I deserve someone better. And I shouldn't pass up a great guy because of you. At first I just agreed and kept on with my day. But suddenly, it has been playing over and over again in my head. You don't want to commit to me. Do you want me all to yourself?

You are so predictable. You love spending the days with me, cuddled up and watching a movie, but you are still waiting for her to come back. You still want her back, don't you? I never measure up to the girl from the past. I can't even ever say I am second best.

Maybe I am jumping too far ahead of myself. I am such a mess this week and so full of self doubt. He makes me so happy when were laying together, hand in hand. But I feel so alone at the end of every night.

Why can't i feel anything real anymore?

I'm a mess. I have been doing my best to smile and act like I don't care. But I still miss you. I know I shouldn't. I know you never cared about me. I'm so sick of being the girl that guys lead on and then they so easily leave behind. Stop making me believe that you care.

Sunrise Highway

You kissed me and everything felt right back in place. Your arms surrounding me felt like home and hours later are still keeping me warm. I know we should have just let this go. I don't see it going anywhere. But you are what keeps me waking up in the morning. I never wanted to admit that, but you have become one of the most prevalent people in my life.

How low can you go?

I'm on vacation. My days have been spent on the beach laughing with my best friend. Things have been so simple. But you have still been on my mind constantly. I miss you and your rough edges. Mostly though, I miss the way you acted when no one was around. I miss how you use to play with my nose in the morning when we woke up. And the way you kissed my hand when your shoulder was hurt, and you couldn't lean over to kiss my lips. We shared more moments than I thought we would have. You opened me up again. Thank you for reminding me what it is like to feel something.

Can you try something for me? Try to let someone in. Please try to let someone understand you, I never could. Everyday spent with you, I worked to figure out what your little comments meant. But everyday I fell short. You are going to knock some girl off her feet, and if you allow yourself, some girl will do the same to you.

I'm smart enough to know that I will never be that girl. I tried so hard to let you in. But you didn't care to know everything going on in my life. I can't say I'd blame you. If I were a guy, I'd probably keep my distance from a girl like me. I have so much going on, such a big past, how can I have a reliable future?

I Start To Fight

I need to be on my own for a little while. I trusted you, and you hurt me. I know I hurt you in return. I shouldn't have done that. But I don't regret it. He showed me things that I was missing. He reminded me what it was like to have someone actually care about me. To ask how my day was, and genuinely want to know the answer. I deserve better than what you were giving me. You should have realized that too. I was investing all of my free time in us, and every night, you kept me waiting.

I'm not the kind of girl who will wait around for you to figure out what you have. And when you continuously mess up, I am not going to offer you second chances.

Messy

This is all too complicated. I can not wait to go home. Everything is such a mess. I miss you and I hate that I do. Why couldn't you just let me in? Now you realize that you lost your chances. Your trying more now than you ever did than. I told you that you hurt me, and you said you didn't even think that was possible. Of course it was possible. You knew how much I liked you and you took advantage of that. And now you want to try and fix things and make them more like they use to be.

Done

We're done. Whatever we had is completely over. I called it off yesterday. I'm sure it caught you off guard. I refuse to let anyone treat me with such little respect. I know you care, but you couldn't let me in. I'm so sick of guys who have walls higher than mountains.

This Head

Is a mess. I am all over the place. I can not focus on anything. Everything is so hectic. I am putting way too much on my plate. I can't please anyone.

Nightmares

They are taking over my nights that are now void of sleep even more so than they were in the past. You are in every single dream. I don't know why you're back in my thoughts this week. Why are these dreams torturing me to miss you. I was so happy a few days ago. Happy about this boy, who is so hard to read, just like you use to be. But he isn't at all what I need. He isn't consistent. Daily he makes me worry that I am not good enough or what he wants...

Welcome back self doubt, I haven't been missing you.

I felt your lips against mine and couldn't help but smile. As you pulled me into you, I felt safe and at ease. I never wanted you to know how I felt, but you can read me like a book. I don't expect this to really go anywhere. But that doesn't really bother me. Because I haven't found a chest to sleep on in months. And yours, well it puts me right to sleep. Thank you, for saving me. There were so many nights you put up with my tears and just held me. Slowly, piece by piece, you put me back together. And I'm finally whole again. I am most definitely changed, but you saved me. I was spiraling out of control and you grabbed me and forced me to stop. And when you grabbed my nose this morning, I didn't feel alone.

You'll Think of Me

I spent the whole day thinking of you and the ways in which you changed me. Each notebook was filled with the ways in which I have grown and matured. You really did push me to change. I'm stronger now, than I have ever been. I'm no longer afraid to need someone. Although it can be really painful in the end, it is worth it to invest yourself into someone else. I have learned that speaking up and standing up for myself is really important. I need to be clear about what I want and what my intentions are. I can't blame others for not just knowing what I want.

I loved every little thing about you. Don't ever doubt who you are. You're strong and reliable and you only say things if you truly mean them. But you have to learn that it is okay to need someone. It is worth it. Please put yourself out there. I know you never did with me, and that use to hurt me so much in the past. But you weren't ready, and thats okay. But do not forget that needing someone else does not make you weak. If anything it makes you stronger and more mature. It means that you know that sometimes you just can't handle everything all on your own. It is okay to need help. Thank you. For everything. For loving me and allowing me to love you. I could never forget the way you made me feel so many things all at once.

I Appreciate Your Help

I like you, I do. But I don't know where this is all going. And I am not going to sit around and try and figure you out. At first the way you wrapped your arms around me and played with hands seemed to mean so much more. We're friends. That's all we are, right? You're so afraid of feeling something. And I'm the complete opposite. I am so afraid of not feeling anything.

I can't say I would be that upset if things ended right now. Maybe that says everything.

Carry This Picture For Luck

I'm so ready to start fresh. I feel alive again, on a daily basis. Here I am smiling and these smiles are no longer forced. I still ache inside for a million different reasons, but I'm not going to let that effect who I am.

I know what I deserve and I won't stop or settle until I get it. I deserve to be someone's priority. I want to be wanted. In so many different ways. I need to be needed and I need someone who is going ask how my day was and then actually listen to my answer.

I just want one person to kiss goodnight every single night.

This Is the Last Time I'll Let This Get to Me

Basically I want you to know that I hate you. With all of my heart. You weren't there when I really needed you. Even when I tried to reach out to you, time after time, you let me down. And you hurt me more, when you should have been supportive. So no, I am not going to be nice to you. I want nothing more to do with you.

I miss you. And it really hurts. But I also need you to know, I could never forgive you. So i'm glad you're moving on and over us, your real friends. Because I'm moving on too. And my future...doesn't have you in it.

This Use to Evoke A Lecture

I hate how thinking of you makes me lose my appetite. But i'm glad it doesn't make me lose my composure anymore. If I ever would have said this to you in the past, you would have shoved food down my throat. You were always worried that I couldn't take care of myself. Well I'm doing just fine.

I'm back to being reckless with my decisions. Life's more fun like this.

Out of Weakness

I texted you and told you, "I just wish I didn't have to spend tonight alone." I don't remember the last time I allowed myself to be that vulnerable. You instantly knew something was off. You're always pushing me to talk to you. And maybe I'm ready. I need to start talking to someone.

It makes no sense that talking is what I miss most about Steve. Yes I said his name. I just miss the hard days, when a few words from him, made it all feel better. Lately the days are ripping me apart. I can't find it in me, to just be happy. There is too much going on. There is so much at stake. These moments have the ability to make or break who I become in the future.

I can not afford to keep supporting him. But he's my father and he is homeless and a mess. And you can't just let family suffer like that. So I'll continue to work my ass off and get him what I can. And I'll continue to hope that someone I can stay at Siena. I'll continue to work myself to the point where I can't just relax.

I am trying to remember what it is like to feel warm inside. I'm not upset. I'm content with where I am. But sometime's I forgot what it is like to really feel something. To really feel like someone is caring for me and to in return, really care about someone else.

A Year Ago

I was sitting here thinking of you, texting you, and missing you. I still miss you. But I'm not broken anymore. I'm not a mess who can't move on. Slowly, day by day, I find pieces of who I use to be. Most of them, I don't really want anymore. I was so naive with you.

I've realized I want a family for all the wrong reasons. To fix all the broken things in my life. I want kids who love me unconditionally. I want a guy who can't imagine spending a night without me. I want a family. A real one. One that I can lean on, because i've forgotten what that's like. I want something dependable, a routine.

And I thought you were the one I wanted that with. But you wouldn't have been what I needed. You were so undependable. You could go days without calling, and that hurt a lot. You never knew how much you were hurting me when we were together. I never told you the nights I spent with my hand clenched to my phone, just hoping. Then the nightmares that consumed me and didn't allow me to sleep. I should have let go then. I should have walked away. But you were always the stronger one. I always knew you would be the one to leave.

To A New Year

Hopefully this year will have less let downs than the last. And maybe the people who say they love me, won't just walk out. Because when you care about someone, you don't just leave them. I've never felt as alone as I did the past few months. In some ways, thats no one's fault but my own.

It's a new year, and I'm smiling again. The days are still long and draining. At the end of the day, I still feel empty. But in ways, that emptiness has been here for a long time. Someone said last night, that he obviously never cared about me that much if he so easily let go. I know they were just trying to hurt me, and they really did. Because sometimes I believe that. Sometimes I can't figure out how anyone could care for me. And if they all really did, how come they never stayed around. This doesn't just go for guys.

I'm not the girl I use to be. I'm not as strong as I always was. The past few months have tore me apart. And most of it, doesn't even have to do with him. I'm not as naive as i once was. I know that being in love doesn't mean anything in the long run. Of course it's worth it, but it doesn't promise anything. Love does not conquer all. Love wakes you up and makes you feel alive. It makes you feel invincible and like you have been given the ability to fly. But it doesn't last. Just like everything else good, it eventually comes to an end. Even when it seems like feelings that strong could last forever.

So here is my new years resolution. I want to be stronger. I want to realize that sometimes the plain fact is that he just doesn't want you. I need to start realizing that the people who want to be in my life, make an effort to keep themselves there. But it is not their responsibility alone. I need to start using my head instead of my heart again. I use to be so good at making decisions like that. But recently I find myself wanting to feel anything. But I'm just going to get myself hurt. I need to find some kind of motivation.