A Year Ago

I was sitting here thinking of you, texting you, and missing you. I still miss you. But I'm not broken anymore. I'm not a mess who can't move on. Slowly, day by day, I find pieces of who I use to be. Most of them, I don't really want anymore. I was so naive with you.

I've realized I want a family for all the wrong reasons. To fix all the broken things in my life. I want kids who love me unconditionally. I want a guy who can't imagine spending a night without me. I want a family. A real one. One that I can lean on, because i've forgotten what that's like. I want something dependable, a routine.

And I thought you were the one I wanted that with. But you wouldn't have been what I needed. You were so undependable. You could go days without calling, and that hurt a lot. You never knew how much you were hurting me when we were together. I never told you the nights I spent with my hand clenched to my phone, just hoping. Then the nightmares that consumed me and didn't allow me to sleep. I should have let go then. I should have walked away. But you were always the stronger one. I always knew you would be the one to leave.