He wouldn't even up the door.

   It's really simple, you just hold the door for me.  Is that too much to ask?  All these boys want to hold my hand and then attempt mintutes later to use that same hand to do something completly less innocent. I've never been the kind of girl to settle.  If guys didn't treat me how I wanted, I would be gone. But recently I settle for far too little. But i'm done with that.  I deserve someone who is willing to make me their everything, and i'm done settling.

All This Thinking.

   Has got my head about to explode.  I feel like the biggest asshole, and like the most nieve little girl.  My effort goes into all the wrong things and people.  I just want to curl into and ball and stay in bed for a few weeks.  I can't keep letting this go.  I'm deserving of more than this. 

Sleeps Not Coming Easy Tonight...

   Sleep seems to be out of reach right now.  I'm filled with stress and anticipation.  What do you want from me?  I miss those strong arms of yours wrapped around my waist.  School is stressing me out beyond belief.  I need this weekend, I need some time off.

You kissed me like you meant it, and I knew that you meant it.

Best friends...

   I miss my best friends. A lot a lot. Constantly I can't stop talking about them and how amazing they are. They made me who I am today.  And I couldn't thank them more. November 15th needs to come right now.

   This week has been hectic and stressful. I've been drowning in work, and I just want a break.  It has also been a week of realization.  I can't change who you are and what you want.  I'm starting to be okay with where we are and how we have no title. You care about me, and that is enough for now.

Confusion

    Maybe I should just ask you...I mean what do you really want out of this? You invite me over and when I say I already have plans you get pissed off.  Well sorry you wait so long to ask me, sorry i'm your last resort.  I know you were having the boys over. And i'm glad your not ashamed to have me around them.  But I can't keep letting my feelings get stronger if this is all were ever going to be. Just be straight with me, my expectations really aren't all that high.

 Fuck fuck fuck. I find way too much comfort in those arms.  Your chest is somewhere i can rest my head easy. I know you don't want anything out of this. I'm just a kid to you. Tonight you said I have a lot of growing up to do.  And I guess i do.  Because i need to stop being so childish and thinking that this will turn into something. I need to stop getting my hopes up on you when you refuse to let me in.  I kept telling myself it would take time.  But i'm not just some girl you can call when your bored and need a break.  I know I deserve more than this, but I'm not ready to let this go.

I Hardly Have Time To Breathe

I need this weekend more than anything. I need a break from this hectic crazy busy life.

Jill just called me to tell me she is coming to see me on her birthday. I cant fucking wait. And not only her, but all the girls! Omg i cant wait.

A Lot To Say

I woke up this morning to feel like a truck had run me over...twice.  I sat up and as the room spun i layed back down and decided that I was not making it to my 8:15 class. I don't know why i'm always so fucking dizzy and light headed.  It shouldnt be like this. It's kind of scary sometimes.  

Were hanging out on friday, and I can't wait to be in those arms. Everyone is telling me that i can do better.  But thats not what I want, I want you.

I can't seem to let go of this weekend and how much being home sucked.  Don't get me wrong, i loved seeing Lauren, I always do.  But.....

IM TOO DIZZY TO FUCKING TYP:E

 

Home Is Where The Heart Is

    It has been days since i've seen you but you have been consistant in your want to talk to me.  It is nice to know that you actually care.  This weekend I spent most of my time missing you and wanting to be in your arms.  Home didn't feel like it use to.  And it became clear to me what I want.  I want you. All to myself.

    He seemed so excited to see me Friday when I surprised him in school. But then that same night he blew me off at the party.  Whats your deal? I'm so done with guys being back and forth. 

I don't really miss your laugh...at least thats something

You Have To Let Go

I see your instant message pop up and I don't know what to think.  Why do I get myself into these ridiculous situations?  You so easily forgot me for months, and suddenly were back to how we were years ago? I can't keep doing this.

On the Drive Home

   I'm back in Jersey. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.  My room seems like a foreign place.  I sat with my dad for two hours with nothing to say.  He doesn't care to know how it's all going.  I want to break down. Being home should be happy.  It shouldn't hurt.  I shouldn't come home to realize that my own Dad hasn't called for the last month just because.  He isn't busy, he isn't working.  He just doesn't care, i've never been so crushed.

  Don't get me wrong, i love seeing my mom and sister.  Plus i get to see lauren in a few hours.  But I can't seem to get past the whole Dad thing.  All I can do is think about going back to school. I want to spend the night in his arms.  Why do i like him so much? 

Fuck fuck fuck.

I drive myself crazy trying to stay out of my own way 

Fall is About Change.

Tonight will be my first time in Jersey in over a month.  I've been missing it so much.  But I know it's not going to feel the same. The weekends are going to seem lame and the food is going to be good. 

  You kissed me and said "Don't go too crazy in Jersey, okay?" I don't know why your so sweet and treat me like this.  You treat me like i'm your girl.  Don't get me wrong I love it, but what does it all mean to you? I know your fighting yourself. This isn't want you want but you can't just let it slip by.  I'm not ready for you to let go yet.

Last Night

You were back to your old self.  I loved it.  As i walked into to your apartment you wrapped your arms around me and linked our fingers.  You held me for a moment and then asked me to help you cook. I watched as you added water to your noodles. Pretty intense stuff, let me tell you.  We watched a movie and you rested your hand on mine.  Afterwards as i layed on your chest I felt completly on ease and invincible.  I get to see you again tomorrow and I can't wait. 

This Weekend Sucked

I don't know what you want from me. I'm done trying to please you. The rest is up to you.  Because i'm not chasing you or making an effort anymore. Good luck convincing me that you deserve another chance. I'm so sick of getting hurt.

Its been a week.

Since i last saw you. So when you said you wanted to see me yesterday, I couldn't wait. You said you'd pick me up around nine and even though i sort of already had plans, I needed to see you. I figured I'd hang out with the groupies before you came to get me. So when we went up to the townhouse and you were there, I was a little surprised.  You seemed to have no interest in me. You gave me a few nudges but it didn't feel like you.  Then you asked me what I was doing tonight, and I think my jaw dropped. Nothing, i had no plans, except to hang out with you...

  Maybe this is all over.  And i should stop wasting my time thinking about you so much. Today i'll be alone till six. I need to go home. It's family weekend and my family was too busy to come visit. Isn't that awesome? I feel like i'm losing everything. And i know going home won't make it any better.  I'm trying so hard to hang onto everything that means something but it gets harder with every minute that passes.

Sometimes all a girl needs is love.