Home is where...?

   It has been really nice to be home for a few days.  I dread going back to school and getting back to work.  Every day has been spent with you on my mind, and I don't think that is changing anytime soon.  You didn't tell me to not go crazy in Jersey, because you have no right to do so.  But this week has just pulled us closer together. At school it is so easy to get caught up and just push your problems and emotions to the side.  But being home has been a real eye opener.  I don't care how much this is going to break me.  I know it's worth it now.  When you text me the most simple thing I can't help but smile.  Everything about you makes me weak.  You said you can't wait to see me when we get back, and I couldn't agree more. Time spent with you is never time wasted.  I know we said just friends, but we both know that is never going to work.  I miss my head upon your chest and your lips on my neck. 

Things I'm Thankful For

1. Friends
2. Family
3. HIM
4. Summer
5. Breaks from School
6. Homecooked meals.
7. The Title
8. My Education
9. Champ and CeeCee
10. My Sister
11. Individuality
12. Parties
13. Relaxation
14. Love
15. Life

The Impact of the Great Depression

    I have a history paper due at 2:30 and i'm just starting it.  It's 11:02 and I can't focus at all, what else is new.  Last night i slept for 4 hours. Thats more than i have slept in one night in about two weeks. I can't seem to figure out how to let you go and not ache inside. You call me kiddo and my heart leaps out of my chest. I know you call me that when your missing me or afraid to hurt me.  Please don't put this blame on you. We both got us into this situation. I can still feel your kiss on my forehead from saturday. While laying in your arms I did all I could to stop myself from crying, but maybe I should have just let it out. I don't think you know how much you've changed me. How does any guy compare to you?

Its so hard to have someone to love

     "If any guy hurts you, i'm going to kick the shit out of him. You deserve the best, and as much as I want that to be me, it's not right now."  I couldn't even be remotely mad because you couldn't even look at me. I could see the hurt in your eyes as you said "I didn't think it was going to be this hard, but it's been so so so hard Mel. I've been missing you and i'm going to continue missing you." My heart just hurts. 

Things I Am

• Inconsistant
• A good friend
• A good girlfriend
• quiet
• shy
• both exroverted and introverted
• easy to get along with
• complicated

We'll I'll Just Say It

I can't breath without thinking about you and feeling sick to my stomach.

DIE YOUNG AND SAVE YOURSELF.

You Break Me Apart

   Day after day you take pieces of me.  I said I could let go and move on, but not like this. Please don't play me. Every time you say something cute, i absolutely melt.  Why are you trying again? I just don't get what you want anymore.

FOURever

   So my girls came to visit this weekend.  I don't think I have been this happy in a long time.  It was such an amazing weekend.  Jill's birthday was a blast. This weekend was unforgetable...haha well some parts might have been forgotten.

   I can't say i'm content with where we stand.  Last night you said some things you didn't mean.  I know when you look at me, it's not a friend kind of glance. The way you held your arms around me melted me.  When you kissed my forehead and said goodnight, I've never wanted something so out of reach. I'm happy that we don't want to hurt each other, but don't you think we could take a chance? Here I go doubting my decisions again. 

I've been feeling so used...

   Friends dont sleep over in each others beds. Just so you know.

Somebody Turn The Lights On

      It's been a busy week and it isn't even over yet. My girls are coming this weekend and I can't wait.  It is going to be fantastic. We haven't been together since August. I've never missed anything or anyone more.

    Your out of the picture, but i put you there. I can do this friends thing.  I'm a strong girl, right? I've moved on before, I can do the same when it comes to you.  Maybe I won't see you this weekend. That would make things a lot easier.

This Is Not My Heart

   It's like I always choose the guys who are unavailable or who just realistically aren't going to stick around. I'm so afraid to get hurt and I think now I just set myself up for disaster.  I don't want to run anymore, but it always seems like the right option. Why can't I just fall for a guy who is going to be around and actually catches me?  Is that really asking for that much?

Done

   I called it off last night. I knew you would understand. I don't really know what is going to happen now. Because with both of us not wanting this to end, how will it. You insist upon us being friends, and i agree that we should give it a try. But i know today at lunch, i'm going to want to kiss you. And friends don't kiss.

Late Night

    You just texted me to say that if you didn't have to wake up early you would bring me over. So what am i to you? Because you just confuse me more and more everytime we talk.  I don't know why you always are so persistant when i'm trying to let go.  It's like you know that i'm trying my best not to want you.  But that seems near impossible right now.  You don't make it easy for a girl to let go.

Hearts Beating Fast

    I can't seem to catch my breath.  I don't know if it is because of my thoughts about him, or maybe it's the insane amount of work I to do until finals. I can't get a break, from school or from him.  I don't know what I want anymore. Because I know i'm setting myself up for a downfall.  He can't make this any better. I'm not what he needs right now. But how come he is everything I want?

Find a Safe Place.

   My safe place has recently been your arms.  We faced the facts today.  You said "this isn't fair to you and i care too much."  You'll be gone in six months. Gone basically for good. Do you really think we would last that long?  You said you were bumming and you begged me not to be mad.  But I understand, and i've known the facts all along.  I know you don't want to hurt me, you've made that very clear.  You don't want to keep me but you dont want to lose me either. You said I was too happy and that you didnt get it.  But every moment with you makes my smile bigger and I can't help but treasure the moments we have. The only reason i slept was because i knew you were there. Thanks for wrapping me up in your arms and letting me snuggle into your chest. I don't know where we stand now.  And if were still going to hang out, but you've made me feel a lot better. Your not using me. "Mel you know i'm not like that, i never want to be that guy. Thats why i'm not sure what to do." Thanks for just being honest, i've been waiting to hear something like that from you.

Asshole...

So this afternoon i got a bunch of cute text messages in a row. Saying..." I dont really do this kinda thing. Ever really. But, even though it may sound stupid, i just wanted to tell you that you are a really amazing person. Something about you kinda captivated me since i met you and i cant explain it. I know that it would be hard for you to see me as a good guy cause you know i have cheated on my girlfriend but i want to change your perception of me. I want to gain your trust and im really going to try." Fail on your part.