Drive Me To Anywhere

I've fallen apart. I don't want to be attached to anyone or anything anymore. There are a few of you who I can't seem to push away though. I can't expect anyone to understand. I can't even tell anyone the things i see and feel. My life here has become one big secret. I just don't think you could handle this.

This Break....

        Is tearing me to pieces. I can't expect many of you to understand why. I'm pulling myself away from everyone.  Because breathing hurts at this point. My distraction and the person who has kept me smiling for months is miles and miles away.  This was the worst, most teared filled Christmas I have ever experienced.  I thought I had gotten so much stronger.  I'm always pushing aside my feelings and I'm still not ready to stop. 

    I need someone to want to have me around. I need someone to need me in their life. Maybe you could be that person? But probably not.  Everyone i choose to care about leaves me, or pushes me away. I already know you'll leave, you have to. I wish my heart was as stone cold as it use to be. I'm sick of feeling anything.

Dear pain killers, you make me tingle. I like it.

Merry Christmas

I don't think I have ever hurt this much.

I Can't Hide The Truth As Well As You

   I've been needing you, missing you, wanting you. This vacation has been filled with thoughts of you and I can't complain. As much as everything seems right and makes sense, it all seems wrong too.  I know that this is never going to become what I want it to be. People always leave.

Things I Miss

1. Being a little kid, and being carefree.

2. The way he wraps his arms around me.

3. You telling me anything.

4. People getting along.

5. My amazing room mate.

6. My biddies from South Africa.

7. My grandmother.

8. Feeling like things are going to work out.

9. Being hopeful.

10. As much as i hate to admit it, my soul mate.

Its So Hard To Pretend

   These holidays aren't all so happy.  I've just been home for a few days and it's been tearing me apart.  I wouldn't expect any one else to understand.  The fights spread like fire and the words sting more than anything.  I was in bliss at school, these problems couldn't sink in.  Being back has already started to bring me down.  

Day 1 In Not Seeing You

      I want the best of both worlds.  I want my friends from home, my biddies from college, and him all in the same 20 miles of each other.  Thats not going to happen though. I can't wait to go home today, because i miss my girls, my dogs, and my family. I know that home doesn't include him and I'm not so sure I like that.  I find comfort in everything about him.  Even in the sweatshirt he gave me with his name accross the back. I'm content with where we are because I know I mean something to him.  We don't need a title for either of us to know that.

My Feelings Make Me Sick

     Everyday spent with you makes me greatful and happy to be alive.  Today laying there warmed me up.  Time spent with you is never time wasted.  I'm glad that you care so much even though you try and stop yourself from caring.  Your sending me home with things of yours and that makes me feel like your trying to hold on.  I want you to know that I don't plan on letting go anytime soon. It's okay if this is all we ever are, because you make me happy. 

Powerless And Sent Home

   So it's been a crazy end to a hetic and stressful week.  I don't even feel like talking about it anymore. I want to go home, but I dread leaving him more than anything.  He has become so important to me. I just want to lay in those arms for days.

This Place

   Has become more and more like home with each day that passes.  In the halls I am greated by people who i spend hours a day with.  The girls in my hall have become comforting and have taught me that it is okay to let loose.  They don't judge me no matter what my actions are.  My room mate has become someone I can share anything with.  She gives the best advice and tells me the truth even when I don't want to hear it.  
   Then there is him. The guy who has been holding my hand for months, but I think his reach goes further than that now. I have never wanted someone so bad. This next month is going to kill not seeing you. 

Sweetie You Have Me

    Whether it was what you wanted or not, you have me. I just want to talk and think about you all the time.  Your all I want anymore. Please don't let this go.

Today Reminded Me

     Your shoulder felt just as comforting as it did months ago.  I know we've made a point to try and be "just friends" but it obviously isn't working. I don't really know what I want anymore. And I know your not whats best for me.  But I haven't been this happy in a over a year.  Today was the best day I have had in weeks.  You never fail to surprise me, in both good and bad ways.  I'm glad that you decided to stop by today.  I can't wait for tomorrow.

Here I Go

     I'm going to be okay. I'm a strong girl.  Anything that is thrown at me, I can handle.  Stop worrying about hurting me.  I can look out for myself.  We can't keep doing this, and I'm realising your just leading me on.  I asked you not to, but it didn't make a difference.  What happened to you?  Last week you were still knocking me off my feet.

Home is where...?

   It has been really nice to be home for a few days.  I dread going back to school and getting back to work.  Every day has been spent with you on my mind, and I don't think that is changing anytime soon.  You didn't tell me to not go crazy in Jersey, because you have no right to do so.  But this week has just pulled us closer together. At school it is so easy to get caught up and just push your problems and emotions to the side.  But being home has been a real eye opener.  I don't care how much this is going to break me.  I know it's worth it now.  When you text me the most simple thing I can't help but smile.  Everything about you makes me weak.  You said you can't wait to see me when we get back, and I couldn't agree more. Time spent with you is never time wasted.  I know we said just friends, but we both know that is never going to work.  I miss my head upon your chest and your lips on my neck. 

Things I'm Thankful For

1. Friends
2. Family
3. HIM
4. Summer
5. Breaks from School
6. Homecooked meals.
7. The Title
8. My Education
9. Champ and CeeCee
10. My Sister
11. Individuality
12. Parties
13. Relaxation
14. Love
15. Life

The Impact of the Great Depression

    I have a history paper due at 2:30 and i'm just starting it.  It's 11:02 and I can't focus at all, what else is new.  Last night i slept for 4 hours. Thats more than i have slept in one night in about two weeks. I can't seem to figure out how to let you go and not ache inside. You call me kiddo and my heart leaps out of my chest. I know you call me that when your missing me or afraid to hurt me.  Please don't put this blame on you. We both got us into this situation. I can still feel your kiss on my forehead from saturday. While laying in your arms I did all I could to stop myself from crying, but maybe I should have just let it out. I don't think you know how much you've changed me. How does any guy compare to you?

Its so hard to have someone to love

     "If any guy hurts you, i'm going to kick the shit out of him. You deserve the best, and as much as I want that to be me, it's not right now."  I couldn't even be remotely mad because you couldn't even look at me. I could see the hurt in your eyes as you said "I didn't think it was going to be this hard, but it's been so so so hard Mel. I've been missing you and i'm going to continue missing you." My heart just hurts. 

Things I Am

• Inconsistant
• A good friend
• A good girlfriend
• quiet
• shy
• both exroverted and introverted
• easy to get along with
• complicated

We'll I'll Just Say It

I can't breath without thinking about you and feeling sick to my stomach.

DIE YOUNG AND SAVE YOURSELF.

You Break Me Apart

   Day after day you take pieces of me.  I said I could let go and move on, but not like this. Please don't play me. Every time you say something cute, i absolutely melt.  Why are you trying again? I just don't get what you want anymore.

FOURever

   So my girls came to visit this weekend.  I don't think I have been this happy in a long time.  It was such an amazing weekend.  Jill's birthday was a blast. This weekend was unforgetable...haha well some parts might have been forgotten.

   I can't say i'm content with where we stand.  Last night you said some things you didn't mean.  I know when you look at me, it's not a friend kind of glance. The way you held your arms around me melted me.  When you kissed my forehead and said goodnight, I've never wanted something so out of reach. I'm happy that we don't want to hurt each other, but don't you think we could take a chance? Here I go doubting my decisions again. 

I've been feeling so used...

   Friends dont sleep over in each others beds. Just so you know.

Somebody Turn The Lights On

      It's been a busy week and it isn't even over yet. My girls are coming this weekend and I can't wait.  It is going to be fantastic. We haven't been together since August. I've never missed anything or anyone more.

    Your out of the picture, but i put you there. I can do this friends thing.  I'm a strong girl, right? I've moved on before, I can do the same when it comes to you.  Maybe I won't see you this weekend. That would make things a lot easier.

This Is Not My Heart

   It's like I always choose the guys who are unavailable or who just realistically aren't going to stick around. I'm so afraid to get hurt and I think now I just set myself up for disaster.  I don't want to run anymore, but it always seems like the right option. Why can't I just fall for a guy who is going to be around and actually catches me?  Is that really asking for that much?

Done

   I called it off last night. I knew you would understand. I don't really know what is going to happen now. Because with both of us not wanting this to end, how will it. You insist upon us being friends, and i agree that we should give it a try. But i know today at lunch, i'm going to want to kiss you. And friends don't kiss.

Late Night

    You just texted me to say that if you didn't have to wake up early you would bring me over. So what am i to you? Because you just confuse me more and more everytime we talk.  I don't know why you always are so persistant when i'm trying to let go.  It's like you know that i'm trying my best not to want you.  But that seems near impossible right now.  You don't make it easy for a girl to let go.

Hearts Beating Fast

    I can't seem to catch my breath.  I don't know if it is because of my thoughts about him, or maybe it's the insane amount of work I to do until finals. I can't get a break, from school or from him.  I don't know what I want anymore. Because I know i'm setting myself up for a downfall.  He can't make this any better. I'm not what he needs right now. But how come he is everything I want?

Find a Safe Place.

   My safe place has recently been your arms.  We faced the facts today.  You said "this isn't fair to you and i care too much."  You'll be gone in six months. Gone basically for good. Do you really think we would last that long?  You said you were bumming and you begged me not to be mad.  But I understand, and i've known the facts all along.  I know you don't want to hurt me, you've made that very clear.  You don't want to keep me but you dont want to lose me either. You said I was too happy and that you didnt get it.  But every moment with you makes my smile bigger and I can't help but treasure the moments we have. The only reason i slept was because i knew you were there. Thanks for wrapping me up in your arms and letting me snuggle into your chest. I don't know where we stand now.  And if were still going to hang out, but you've made me feel a lot better. Your not using me. "Mel you know i'm not like that, i never want to be that guy. Thats why i'm not sure what to do." Thanks for just being honest, i've been waiting to hear something like that from you.

Asshole...

So this afternoon i got a bunch of cute text messages in a row. Saying..." I dont really do this kinda thing. Ever really. But, even though it may sound stupid, i just wanted to tell you that you are a really amazing person. Something about you kinda captivated me since i met you and i cant explain it. I know that it would be hard for you to see me as a good guy cause you know i have cheated on my girlfriend but i want to change your perception of me. I want to gain your trust and im really going to try." Fail on your part.

He wouldn't even up the door.

   It's really simple, you just hold the door for me.  Is that too much to ask?  All these boys want to hold my hand and then attempt mintutes later to use that same hand to do something completly less innocent. I've never been the kind of girl to settle.  If guys didn't treat me how I wanted, I would be gone. But recently I settle for far too little. But i'm done with that.  I deserve someone who is willing to make me their everything, and i'm done settling.

All This Thinking.

   Has got my head about to explode.  I feel like the biggest asshole, and like the most nieve little girl.  My effort goes into all the wrong things and people.  I just want to curl into and ball and stay in bed for a few weeks.  I can't keep letting this go.  I'm deserving of more than this. 

Sleeps Not Coming Easy Tonight...

   Sleep seems to be out of reach right now.  I'm filled with stress and anticipation.  What do you want from me?  I miss those strong arms of yours wrapped around my waist.  School is stressing me out beyond belief.  I need this weekend, I need some time off.

You kissed me like you meant it, and I knew that you meant it.

Best friends...

   I miss my best friends. A lot a lot. Constantly I can't stop talking about them and how amazing they are. They made me who I am today.  And I couldn't thank them more. November 15th needs to come right now.

   This week has been hectic and stressful. I've been drowning in work, and I just want a break.  It has also been a week of realization.  I can't change who you are and what you want.  I'm starting to be okay with where we are and how we have no title. You care about me, and that is enough for now.

Confusion

    Maybe I should just ask you...I mean what do you really want out of this? You invite me over and when I say I already have plans you get pissed off.  Well sorry you wait so long to ask me, sorry i'm your last resort.  I know you were having the boys over. And i'm glad your not ashamed to have me around them.  But I can't keep letting my feelings get stronger if this is all were ever going to be. Just be straight with me, my expectations really aren't all that high.

 Fuck fuck fuck. I find way too much comfort in those arms.  Your chest is somewhere i can rest my head easy. I know you don't want anything out of this. I'm just a kid to you. Tonight you said I have a lot of growing up to do.  And I guess i do.  Because i need to stop being so childish and thinking that this will turn into something. I need to stop getting my hopes up on you when you refuse to let me in.  I kept telling myself it would take time.  But i'm not just some girl you can call when your bored and need a break.  I know I deserve more than this, but I'm not ready to let this go.

I Hardly Have Time To Breathe

I need this weekend more than anything. I need a break from this hectic crazy busy life.

Jill just called me to tell me she is coming to see me on her birthday. I cant fucking wait. And not only her, but all the girls! Omg i cant wait.

A Lot To Say

I woke up this morning to feel like a truck had run me over...twice.  I sat up and as the room spun i layed back down and decided that I was not making it to my 8:15 class. I don't know why i'm always so fucking dizzy and light headed.  It shouldnt be like this. It's kind of scary sometimes.  

Were hanging out on friday, and I can't wait to be in those arms. Everyone is telling me that i can do better.  But thats not what I want, I want you.

I can't seem to let go of this weekend and how much being home sucked.  Don't get me wrong, i loved seeing Lauren, I always do.  But.....

IM TOO DIZZY TO FUCKING TYP:E

 

Home Is Where The Heart Is

    It has been days since i've seen you but you have been consistant in your want to talk to me.  It is nice to know that you actually care.  This weekend I spent most of my time missing you and wanting to be in your arms.  Home didn't feel like it use to.  And it became clear to me what I want.  I want you. All to myself.

    He seemed so excited to see me Friday when I surprised him in school. But then that same night he blew me off at the party.  Whats your deal? I'm so done with guys being back and forth. 

I don't really miss your laugh...at least thats something

You Have To Let Go

I see your instant message pop up and I don't know what to think.  Why do I get myself into these ridiculous situations?  You so easily forgot me for months, and suddenly were back to how we were years ago? I can't keep doing this.

On the Drive Home

   I'm back in Jersey. And it doesn't feel like home anymore.  My room seems like a foreign place.  I sat with my dad for two hours with nothing to say.  He doesn't care to know how it's all going.  I want to break down. Being home should be happy.  It shouldn't hurt.  I shouldn't come home to realize that my own Dad hasn't called for the last month just because.  He isn't busy, he isn't working.  He just doesn't care, i've never been so crushed.

  Don't get me wrong, i love seeing my mom and sister.  Plus i get to see lauren in a few hours.  But I can't seem to get past the whole Dad thing.  All I can do is think about going back to school. I want to spend the night in his arms.  Why do i like him so much? 

Fuck fuck fuck.

I drive myself crazy trying to stay out of my own way 

Fall is About Change.

Tonight will be my first time in Jersey in over a month.  I've been missing it so much.  But I know it's not going to feel the same. The weekends are going to seem lame and the food is going to be good. 

  You kissed me and said "Don't go too crazy in Jersey, okay?" I don't know why your so sweet and treat me like this.  You treat me like i'm your girl.  Don't get me wrong I love it, but what does it all mean to you? I know your fighting yourself. This isn't want you want but you can't just let it slip by.  I'm not ready for you to let go yet.

Last Night

You were back to your old self.  I loved it.  As i walked into to your apartment you wrapped your arms around me and linked our fingers.  You held me for a moment and then asked me to help you cook. I watched as you added water to your noodles. Pretty intense stuff, let me tell you.  We watched a movie and you rested your hand on mine.  Afterwards as i layed on your chest I felt completly on ease and invincible.  I get to see you again tomorrow and I can't wait. 

This Weekend Sucked

I don't know what you want from me. I'm done trying to please you. The rest is up to you.  Because i'm not chasing you or making an effort anymore. Good luck convincing me that you deserve another chance. I'm so sick of getting hurt.

Its been a week.

Since i last saw you. So when you said you wanted to see me yesterday, I couldn't wait. You said you'd pick me up around nine and even though i sort of already had plans, I needed to see you. I figured I'd hang out with the groupies before you came to get me. So when we went up to the townhouse and you were there, I was a little surprised.  You seemed to have no interest in me. You gave me a few nudges but it didn't feel like you.  Then you asked me what I was doing tonight, and I think my jaw dropped. Nothing, i had no plans, except to hang out with you...

  Maybe this is all over.  And i should stop wasting my time thinking about you so much. Today i'll be alone till six. I need to go home. It's family weekend and my family was too busy to come visit. Isn't that awesome? I feel like i'm losing everything. And i know going home won't make it any better.  I'm trying so hard to hang onto everything that means something but it gets harder with every minute that passes.

Sometimes all a girl needs is love.

Girlfriend Visit.

This weekend Laur came to visit.  It was great.  Spur of the moment she was just like what are you doing this weekend?...okay im coming.  The timing couldn't have been better.  I have been missing my girls so much recently and it was so nice to have laur around for the weekend.  Friday we went out and it was creeper central.  Not to self, avoid the coliseum. What a shady place. Saturday night was fantastic. Ash, laur and i went up to the usual townhouse.  The three of us had a blast together. Peanuts anyone?

I've been thinking a lot recenlty about what I want from this. And I can't really be sure. What else is new?

You Just Left

I wish you could have stayed forever. Laying on your chest laughing with you is perfect. I can't wait another week to see you.  Sweetie you have me smiling non stop. 

It's Not Mine But I Want It

    Lauren is coming to visit me tonight for the whole weekend.  I can't wait, like I need this more than anything right now.  I feel kind of bad because i can't promise tonight is going to be that good, but tomorrow is going to be fabulous.  I've been really down recently.  I can't seem to figure out how to stop these feelings. 

   Your coming over today.  I haven't seen you in about a week, and I hated it.  I'm pushing myself away already.  I'm trying to find flaws in everything you say and do.  This is what I always do, this is what i've been trying to avoid. I wish you were around this weekend. I miss those arms around me.

I'm not that strong...

I miss the lips that made me fly.

Lacking Motivation.

   I'm in a creative mood and I am sick of all this work tying me down.  I hate having a schedule to follow and due dates to adhere to. I need someone or something to inspire me.  It has been a struggle the last few days.  My friends were home this weekend.  Those three girls that have been through it all with me.  I was so jealous.  I want to see them and laugh with them.  Because they make me happier than anything else.  It has been hard not seeing them and talking with them 24/7.  I am always the strong one of the group, with my jello heart, but i find myself consistantly missing them.  Don't get me wrong. I love it up here. I like the friends I have made and I don't know what I would do without my room mate.  What a life safer.  I just miss the comfort of being able to say anything and not be judged.  When i found out Gabby was going home too the first thing i did was ask steve if he would drive me home.  That obviously worked, haha, not.  It's hard to go from having people around all the time to never having them there.

    Your working your way back into my life.  And it's been amazing just talking to you.  It still aches when we talk.  But i'm a strong girl, I can handle it.  I hope you know that you have let me down a lot in the past.  You have hurt me more than anyone else, and i have cried over you more than I would ever admit. Just don't lie to me.

If you fall i swear, i'll pick you right back up.

This is not Homework.

I should be doing some school work but i can't seem to focus at all today.  My mood is so mediocre but i have no reason behind it.  I had a fun weekend, and i should be happy about that.  But i think it still hurts to see you kiss her. This is what i wanted though, us to be just friends.  I'm scared that your going to use her and hurt her.  Just like you have used me. Continuously you let me down and i'm trying to just accept it.  But i want the best for you and i don't want to have to think your a scum bag. Even though its pretty clear you are. Maybe one day you'll learn your limit and take it a little easier.

   I just want to cuddle and rest my head on your chest.  It's becoming clear that your what i want right now.  And i need to stop doubting myself and you.  You have had your chances and you never take them.  I really respect that. I missed having you around last night. All the guys call me "your girl."  I'm not really sure what to say to that, because what we are has no title and no rules.  I have spent the whole day thinking about you.

Too much too soon.

   I've really been trying to impress you, but there is no need for all of that. I act like a little loser and you smile and kiss me. It's becoming clear to me that time with you attributes to most of my happiness recently.

I'd do whatever i could so you'd stay.

     It's been an amazing birthday weekend, and it would be ridiculous not to thank everyone involved.  Thursday, my actual birthday was so much fun.  Some girls from my hall took me out to michaels.  We danced and had a good time. Then Friday we went up to the townhouses...like usual. =] Saturday i had a bonner thing.  We really bonded as a group. I'm excited for everything that comes next. Then i went to boys apartment and then up to the townhouses with Ash.  It was a fabulous time. I couldn't have asked for anything more. 

   What do you want?  I mean we use to be so close. But we lost that, you and i both know that. I've learned that your words are usually faulty.  It's been impossible to let you go. But i'm moving on the best i can. As much as it hurts when we talk, i just want you to be happy.  And i want me to be happy.  I assume both are going fairly well.

   Your chest is becoming somewhere i can rest my head.  There's no complaints there. I'm afraid to let my guard down, but i think that kiss on the cheek said it all. I have to stop running away from my feelings.  Maybe i'll start here.

This could be the start of something new.

This has been a really awesome new experience. I didn't think college would be this hard though. I find myself wanting to give up on a daily basis. I know i need to focus more, but it's all too new. I just want to soak it all in. Maybe this crush is all because boys are something i focus well on. They are the one thing that as much as they come and go, i don't usually give up. I can't wait for this weekend to come.
Tomorrow is my birthday! I'm really excited. Eighteen isn't much of a difference, but it seems right. College=young adults. Haha. I'm ridiculous. Tomorrow is not going to be fun however. I have a paper to write, a meeting to go to, and history stuff to read. Friday should be fun though. I have my last class till three thirty and then Steve is picking me up =] Were going to hang out, then i am coming back, changing and going to albany for a good time. Without the roomie =[ Saturday though...were going to ualbany to party it up. I can't wait. Yay.

Perfectly Content

I'm really happy with where i am right now. I mean this has all been a little tough to adjust to but it's been worth it. I've been missing a lot of people consistently. I wonder how things will be when I go home for the first time in a month or two. This is one place where I need to succeed. Working hard was something i never had to do at home. It's been hard to adjust to coming home and reading or doing homework right away. Procrastinating is killing me.

Last night instead of doing work, like i should have, i spent the night with him. This guy who makes fun of me probably more than anyone else, and i love it. Our age difference was finally apparent last night while we were watching the vma's. I find myself crushing all too fast. He doesn't just want to get in my pants, which i still can't believe. What am i getting myself into? Lets see if he calls.

Here I Go Again

I'm such a fool, always. You can't decide that i mean everything to you. I don't want to mean that much. You want to change, for me. That's not how it should be. Where do you expect this to go? Because i'm your everything but you don't want to date me. I'm done putting effort into us. I've moved on. I know that its killing you to see me with him. But it's what i want. So please stop being so angry with me. And stop looking at me with eyes full of such big expectations.

Wake me up when September ends.

I have been having my ups and downs. I miss my friends. But i have made some new ones that are a lot of fun. Nights at the townhouses have become regular and the people there are so welcoming. Some girls thought I wasn't a frosh because i was in our townhouse and I knew everyone. I think its going to start getting easier...or at least i hope so.

I have been thinking about someone from the past a lot. I have been wondering if on mybirthday he will even text me. I have been struggling with letting him go since June. It has not gone well at all. Every day he is in my thoughts and I hate sleeping because I dream about him all the time. I thought maybe being at college would make this all easier. I'm still hurting, and I don't want to anymore.

Last night i kissed this guy. Who is much older and is probably only looking for one thing. But it was just a kiss. Sometimes that's all I need to feel a little prettier. I just want to be someone that you can't forget.

Good Morning Sunshine

I have a 8:15 today.
It blows hardcore.
I'm kind of over college.
I had freedom at home.


I miss my best friends, a lot a lot.
And my dogs, such cuties.


I want to fall in love, i'm sick of all these boys...

You Had Me Losing My Mind

We still haven't had our talk, but i'm pretty over it. You can't decide what you want and that's really clear and also perfectly okay. For once i know what i want, and it doesn't include you as more than a friend. I have spent months in the past wanting you. And you have known it all along. I have done all I can to help you and steer you away from those terrible things. I can't be the one to save you. And its not really fair to expect me to. This was my first two days of college classes. I love my classes. My teachers seem awesome. My room mate reminds me of my girls, which is both exciting and sad. I miss them more than anything in the world. They are my everything. I realise how much each one of them has impacted me. Constantly i drop your mom jokes, who else does that? I have had my lights off and just been listening to music in my room. Who else likes the dark and dancing around? And i have been wired and on energy drinks way too much. See these girls are a part of me. I didnt leave them behind at all. They are right here with me. And i wouldn't have it any other way.....well there is always room in my bed for a visit. Anytime.

post party.

It's still pretty early. But i think tonight will be the earliest night yet at Siena. Its been a whole bunch of fun times so far. You told me we needed to talk. And that you wanted to be completely sober when we did so. I have a few ideas of what you'll say. I really just want you to say that you love me. Not in a lets date kind of way, but more of a friends kind of way. But there are so many things this could be about. It's been nice meeting all the upperclassmen. They are so funny, trying to get me drunk, and the other night it worked. I really want to kiss someone but i dont just wanna kiss anyone. I want it to be cute and fun and mean something. I'm probably not going to find that.

I just woke up from a wonderful, much needed nap. I need some clarification as to what you think this is. Because you make me pinky promises that i know you won't keep. Your not my dad, brother, or my boyfriend. So as much as you care, it's not your job to step in and protect me. I know better than to waste my days with you so I'm trying to cut back. Well someone just called and I'm going to meet them for dinner...college is fun.

First College Experiences.

So it's my third day up at college, and i really miss my girls. But i have already had some amazing experiences. I have met a group of people who care about others and really want to help change the world. They are really inspiring, and i am so glad to be grouped with them. I've been to my first party, or street of parties. It was a blast, and like nothing i have ever done before. But i miss Jersey, my boys are so much better at pong than these kids. Its ridiculous. I've met some really cool people. And me and my roommate are really hitting it off. She is awesome. I'm loving this right now.

Tonight i went to The Title show.
It rocked my world. <333
They are so amazing and fun.
One day they are gonna blow up.


It is finally starting to hit me that college is four days away. Tonight i said goodbye to the boys. And i didn't ever want to leave. I have to start packing and do some last minute shopping. I keep telling myself that this isn't goodbye, and i know that. But am i ready for all of this? How can i know that i can handle college and everything that goes along with it?

Let me just feel sorry for you.

I'm in the shittiest mood ever. I feel like screaming and punching. Recently i keep getting myself into these situations where I'm just some girl. For some reason, no one feels the need to be honest with me anymore. I've been loving every second of my life for months now. It has been hard to try and ignore the fact that i put so much in and get nothing in return. I'm not someone with high expectations. I don't want the world. For now i just want someone to hold my hand and tell me everything about them. With no sugar coating, and no lies. Don't try to save me from disappointment.

Cut me out of your life...

I've never been any good at letting go. And recently I can't find it in my heart to want to let him go. Today i have a lot to do....Thank you cards, scholarship application, dentist, surgeon to see about my wisdom teeth, and then a classy dinner party? Yeah my friends are kind of cute or something. =]

College keeps getting closer.
I'd be content with just staying home.
But that really isn't an option.



I really just want to be someone you can't forget...

Three months old

College is just around the corner. It fills me with both excitement and fear. The unknown scares me but I love the simple idea of change. I can’t wait to leave this town that has stopped me from growing for years now. I feel like a Popsicle stuck to its stick but the summer will melt me away to freedom. I’ve grown up more in the past year than I ever thought I could. Finally I am starting to trust in myself and make the right decisions. My friends have become my binding, in a book that I am just starting to write. They don’t even know how much they hold me together. Weekends have pulled me through the week days, and those weekdays have torn me apart. This has easily been the most draining year I have ever had. But Fridays brought hope and filled my cup back up. Their houses have become my second, third, and fourth homes. These three girls have been constants in my life for four years. They are the icing to my cake, the sweetness in a world so sour. The X have become my family, a family who I owe everything to.

First blog...

So this whole blog thing is a little new to me, in some ways. I have an xanga but i'm not really that open about letting people read it. Tonight gabby, jill, and i ventured to Blairstown to pick up Matty and hang out with him. The drive was incredibly long, and made longer because we basically just drove around once we picked up Matt. Tonight while sitting in the backseat i looked forward to see two of my best friends, two girls that have been through it all with me. I'm always really strong about change and moving on but I felt my heart ache when I realized we have two weeks left together. It made me think about who i was really going to miss when I leave. And the list seems rather short. I've spent the last four years making strong bonds, and i've spent this last summer pulling them apart.