Anxious

I told you that we shouldn't talk anymore. I told you that it breaks my heart to know you still care. I got no response. For some reason that wasn't what I expected. I wanted you to just say that you understood. I wanted you to say that it made sense to you why I'm doing this. All day I was anxious for a response, but none came. So from here on out, its goodbye. It's I hope your happy, and I hope eventually we can be friends.

Its Over.

I still haven't deleted your text messages. I know it's time. I need to start moving on. And I thought I was doing so well. I've been lighting up all week because some boy has been truly interested in getting to know me. And then you had to say that one little thing last night. You had to prove to me that you care. You can stop that now. I don't care if you worry about me and still think about me. You are the one who called things off. You are the one who left, okay? So you don't get to be the one who worries and shows it. If you worried enough, we would still be together. But we're not, and that's finally okay with me. I'm finally smiling again. The tears have stopped coming on a regular basis. I'm still in love with you. But I'm not going to sit here wishing that you will want me back. I never use to be that girl. You were the first guy who had me so wrapped up in him that I fell apart to you. I'm usually so much stronger than that. So here it goes. You let me go, and if it was so hard, you shouldn't have done it. But you did. And that means you need to understand that when you let me go, you let go the right to tell me to wear a winter coat. You let go the right to tell me to sleep and drink fluids and take care of myself. You have no say in what I do.

I Am Thankful For...

A: A Knox

B: Boys

C: Cuddling

D: Dogs

E: Eventful Nights

F: Family

G: Glittery Nailpolish

H: Home

I: Icicles

J: Jagerbombs

K: Kindergarten

L: Lauren

M: Mom

N: New Beginnings

O: One Tree Hill

P: Pizza

Q: Questions

R: Roomies

S: Sister

T: Time cards, that means payday

U: Ultra cool friends

V: Vacations

W: Wild Nights

Y: Years to look forward to

X: The X

Z: Zoos

I refuse to let "i miss him" ever leave my mouth again. I can do this. I don't need him to feel like I am worth something. If anyone takes the time to get to know me, they will see it for themselves. I'm not a hopeless romantic. I don't believe that somewhere down the road we are going to end up together. I'm not naive. You left me once, what makes me think you would never do it again. So from here on out, i'm going to start living again. Last night someone told me that the world goes on whether your ready or not. I'm not going to sit on the sidelines waiting to stop being so broken. I'm going to pull the pieces of me back together, those pieces that you ripped apart. And I am going to move on from you. Someone out there is going to love me more than you ever allowed yourself. Someone out there is going to care about me with no limitations.

A Million Little Stars Spelling Out Your Name

I had this false hope that you could never actually leave me. That you cared more than that. It is better that I found the truth out now rather than later. I know this is just something you never asked for and never wanted. Eventually there is going to be someone who you could never imagine leaving. I won't be broken forever, but I'll carry you with me everywhere I go. Next time a boy kisses me goodnight, i'll assume the worst. And that, well thats mostly your fault. You were the first guy who didn't rush to try and get in my pants. You took your time with me, even in letting me down. I want to be friends with you, but I think I just need to cut you out of my life. I need to figure out how to let go. I spend all my time thinking of the amazing memories we made. It is finally all real for me. I spent the night in a hospital bed just wanting you. But I can't spend my time wanting what we use to have. Thats gone, it was beautiful and amazing but it is so far out of reach. I met this boy the other night who made me laugh. And that was the first time i've truly laughed and meant it since you left me all alone. For a minute I thought maybe I am going to be okay. Maybe eventually I'll pull myself back together. But i doubt it.

In Every Little Peice Love

Today I realized maybe you are happy. And that I really do hope you are. That is all I want for you. Your absolutely beautiful and if I can't have you, I hope someone else gets as much pleasure from being with you as I use to.

It is getting easier for you.

It is getting harder for me.

I Need to Stop Finding All These In My Notebooks

Hearing your voice comforts me in ways others could never understand. When your gone you are constantly on my mind. Everything seems to relate to you. You have made a great impact on me. Your scent no longer lingers in my room. You're gone again. The weekend you spent here seems unreal. Its like it is all a dream that took place weeks ago. For some reason I believe in us. I believe in you. Please don't be afraid to hurt me. Don't run away from this. I think you know that what we have is different. It is not like anything either one of us has felt before.

I keep trying to tell myself that time apart won't break us. I've been falling apart for weeks but no one seems to notice. I miss your arms wrapping around me and heating me to the bones. The cold seems to devour me and stay with me for days at a time. I wish I was strong enough to rid myself of all the worries that weigh me down.

It has been two weeks since we began to fall apart. I'm missing everything about you. You signed onto skype last night and I wanted to grab my webcam and talk to you. I just wanted to talk. I wanted to tell you how I thought of your sister all day yesterday. I wanted to tell you that us breaking up is a mistake. And one day your really going to miss me and regret letting me go. What we had was as real as it gets. One day I hope you put your heart before your head.

How are you doing? Did I mess up how well you were moving on? I miss you every single minute of everyday. But I'm holding it together. I force myself to smile everyday. You always told me I looked better with a smile. I know that one day this will all get easier. I can't wait until your name doesn't rip me apart inside. I hope you are doing better than I am. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. Since its veterans day, I keep seeing things about the military everywhere. Constantly I imagine your dressed in all your camouflage gear.... It's early and I'm still in bed as I hear you shuffling around. I roll over to look at you and you kiss my forehead. Then you sit on the bed and begin to put on your boots. I watch you until your ready to leave. you pull the blanket back over me and leave without a sound. There is nothing out of the ordinary about this. It is the typical morning, with you calling on your way back to pick me up for class. As i get out of the car I automatically begin to look forward to seeing you again... Do you remember all those nights we use to spend together? I think that is what I miss the most. But i have been missing that for months and months now. Those nights spent in your arms are what made me fall in love with you.

The cold air sweeps right through my jacket. Yes I'm actually wearing a jacket. I've been on my own for the last few days. I'm pulling myself away from anyone who cares about me. Everyone here is so disappointed with me. I let them all down. I wasn't strong enough. I went back on my words. I'm sorry that I just don't know how to deal with losing him.

You looked really happy in those pictures. I'm really sorry if I made your night shitty. I just want you to be happy. If you're happy, i'll just suck it up and be glad that you're doing okay.

I Finally Let It All Out

And was honest with myself. I keep trying to find warmth in all the wrong places. I'm just searching for someone who will stick around. But thats just unrealistic. Men never stick around. At least I have best friends who hold me together when I begin to fall apart. Who carry me home at the end of the night not caring about the stupid decisions I made that night. I honestly don't know what I would do without them by my side.

In the Middle of the Night

I was with all your boys last night. They were telling me how beautiful and amazing I am. Then they asked my most dreaded question "So how are you doing." And when I replied, "Pretty well actually." Then it came again "Come on Mel, how are you really doing?" The worst part is, they are genuinely concerned. They ask my friends about me, and how I look so okay, and hold myself together. It doesn't mean I stopped loving you, I can't really imagine that day ever coming. I keep hoping that eventually someone can make me as happy as you once did. Maybe there is someone who can light up my whole world like you use to. But when it comes down to it, I don't really want them. I really want you to just be happy, whether or not that has anything to do with me. I'm always the one running away and breaking my own heart. But we were different, even when I was scared, I couldn't run from you. But you ran, and honestly I think it's because part of you is really scared. Scared that we were too serious and that the distance would emotionally tear us apart. And if you are scared, you're not ready for this. You're not ready for someone to love you with all that they have. Maybe one day you'll realize you should have let it go, and saw what happened and how it all worked out. Or maybe you'll just keep telling yourself it was for the best. I'm not bitter, it is important that you know that. I'll be fine, I always am. You're not the first person to let me down, and I know you won't be the last.

I Can Honestly Say

It was all worth it. The time spent with you was worth the pain I feel right now. You made me happy for so long. I felt invincible with you by my side. I'm still struggling to get by without you, but I don't ever doubt that you loved me with all you had. And I loved you just the same. We really set each other on fire. And that fire kept me warm for a long time. As the the cold air rushes in, it consumes me. But the winter never lasts forever. It isn't always going to be so cold inside of me. Someone else will warm me up when the time is right. But part of me will always be yours. If I could, I would go back to the days spent at your place, with your arms wrapped around me. But I can't dwell on the past, because it is over, and you've diminished the idea of us ever getting back together. So I wish the best for you. You deserve to be happy and get everything you could ever ask for. I hope we can be friends in the near future. I think we really balanced each other out well. You always kept me in line, as i made you cross other lines. You forced me to grow and realize the severity of love. And how intense and beautiful it really is. No one has ever made me feel so safe. But I also learned that everyone really does eventually leave. Its not always someones fault. Some things just fall apart and there is nothing you can do about it.

Hold your head high. You have so much to be proud of. Keep dreaming and reaching for those dreams because if anyone can reach them, it's you. Smile and laugh because that smile could knock so many people off of their feet. Cheer people up, you always know how to do that. Don't always put others before you. Sometimes you need to come first. Fall in love when the time is right. And make sure she is just as amazing as you are. Because anyone would be lucky to have you.

I know how it feels to hear something funny & not laugh & to have all the love in the world yet feel so alone. I know how it feels to have nowhere to go for comfort...& the people who should comfort you the most are the ones who you can't see; how it feels to act so much that you can barely tell where the real you begins & the fake you ends. To look in the mirror & not be able to fathom how anyone could ever love you. When you can’t love yourself, I know how it feels. I know what it’s like to have nowhere to go to escape yourself.

Stop Myself

I want to call you and tell you that I miss you. And I love every little thing about you. From the way you call me kiddo to way you heat me up like no one else does. I just want you. But I can't have you, you don't want me.

This Time is The Last Time

So I let go of you. I deleted your phone number. We are never going to be what we were. You have given up any hope of us so I'm forcing myself to do the same. I refuse to live in the past and keep my fingers crossed that you will actually want me back. I am never going to be good enough for you. No matter how amazing I treat you, the army will always be your first priority. I use to dream about marrying you. Settling down and investing everything I had in us. But you wouldn't deserve that. Your so set on trying to do the right thing that you miss what is right in front of you. That was love. It was passionate and beautiful and it didn't have to be gone. But it scared you, and it made sense to want out. At first I felt relived. Like maybe you were doing me a favor. Because I am always running from my feelings. And this was the perfect excuse. But I stopped running when it came to you. Nothing you did or said could scare me enough, because I felt safe with you. I felt everything with you.

I hate that you see this all so simple. It was too hard. I was willing to do anything to make this work, even if it meant seeing you for two days every four or five months. I was happy to spend my nights far from you thinking of you, knowing that you were thinking of me too. "We're both just at really different spots in our life." I know that, I get it all. I am not going to let this crush me. I'm not going to be the girl who spends her nights wrapped up in his sweatshirt crying until the tears no longer come. I'm perfectly capable of holding it together, smiling, and slowly trying to remember what it is like to be cared for. Other lips will touch mine, and maybe one day, I won't think of you every time.

Without a Trace

I was going to erase your voice mails and text messages, but i'm not ready for that. I was going to remove your phone number so that texting you was no longer an option. But I don't want to get any further from you than I already am. When the night comes to a close, it is your arms I am craving. You know all this already. No one else really has a clue. I hold it all together surprisingly well.

Vanilla Twilight

Now when i think of you, i feel even more alone. I can't even breathe without thinking of you. I hate this more than anything. I spent the weekend trying my best to hold it together. But it always comes back to the same empty feelings. I always miss you and want you and want us. And your always staying strong and getting by without me. When am I going to be the girl that someone can't leave behind?